Chronicles of Jessio

Redirect to my new blog.

2011-12-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!

Because of certain difficulties having to do with my Google account, I've decided to abandon this blog and start a new one under a different account. My new blog is Jessi's Continuing Chronicles at this address:

http://jessiscontinuingchronicles.blogspot.com

Please visit and become a follower! Thanks, and I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Life is an endlessly fascinating story.

2011-08-30T20:06:00.001-07:00

Here's something I've been thinking about. In two of my classes, my professors recently said essentially the same thing. It was something like this:

"A story is only interesting when something goes wrong."

They were talking about how no one wants to read a story in which life is perfect. You quickly get bored and lose the desire to keep reading because if nothing is going wrong, it feels like nothing is happening. Of course, a lot might actually be happening (people going to work, children playing, the wind stirring up leaves) and yet it is all boring unless it involves problems. That's because you start to care about characters as soon as they face trials. "Oh, no! Is he going to get away from those thugs!? I must keep reading, or I just won't know if he survives this....!"

It's kind of funny because people don't like their own lives to be like the stories that they enjoy reading. As soon as problems appear in their lives, they say, "Oh, no! How am I going to get out of this?" And they immediately become unhappy, wishing constantly for their trials to be gone.

But isn't it all the things that go wrong that actually make our lives interesting? If nothing were to ever go wrong, we wouldn't have to make difficult choices. We wouldn't have to struggle, and consequently, we would never grow or develop. Life wouldn't be a journey as much as a stagnation. And we would actually be bored, just as bored as if we were reading a story in which nothing was happening. (Inside of our souls, nothing would be happening.)

So, I have this theory. I think that we can learn to see life as an endlessly fascinating story in which we have endless opportunities to grow. Our trials keep us from getting bored and they keep us progressing. I am going to try to stop being miserable when things don't work out the way I want them to. I am going to try to relax and enjoy my own good story.

What I learn when I walk.

2011-08-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I went for a walk in the cool of the evening. I love taking walks almost every day. It's amazing what a powerful tool that such a simple action can be. I often seem to leave my apartment in a cloud of worries. All of the problems and trials that I have to deal with are trying to force their way to the front of my mind and the effect is a little like a whirlpool. I think about it all and feel confused and overwhelmed.

As I'm walking, I feel my body become stronger, and the most amazing thing happens. My thoughts begin to slow down and suddenly I am able to organize them. I can put them into perspective and begin thinking about them separately. Solutions start presenting themselves, and I am relieved to start figuring out what to do. Of course, some problems don't really have solutions, but I am able to quietly tuck them away and stop dwelling on the things I can't change. I feel wiser and more capable and my life feels more manageable.

This is what happened last night, and I started thinking about the importance of taking care of our bodies. When we take care of our bodies, as the Lord has asked us to do, we are all more receptive to the Spirit of God and the peace that the Spirit brings. The older I get, the more I see that the commandments that the Lord has given us really are for our good. When we keep them, we can be at peace in all kinds of circumstances.

Bring in the new semester with chicken burritos!!!!

2011-08-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight I got Paul to make some chicken burritos, and they were SO good! He fried up an onion and a green bell pepper with cilantro, canned green chiles, and chicken cut up in little chunks. In a separate bowl, he partially crushed some pinto beans so that they could be easily wrapped in with the meat and vegetables. Then he wrapped it all in three huge tortillas. (Oh, and he put rice in his own, but I didn't need the extra carbs on mine.) It was delicious! It's nice to have a husband who cooks, and cooks very well and willingly.

We are both three days into our new semester. It's a little stressful at first, but I think it will get better as we go along.

Paul has to do a research project in the next several weeks and he is also working on his thesis project this semester. For the small research project, he is sending out surveys to find out about people's experiences with personality discrimination in job interviews. He supposes that certain personality traits make you more likely to be favored in a job interview, regardless of how qualified you are for the job. I think it will be interesting to see if the research supports his assumptions. I'm really proud of him!

Oh, and I should mention that we had a lot of fun with my cousin Charsty and her two little girls last weekend. We were both really sad to have them go Monday morning. Now it's just the two of us again, although that works really well because we like each other so much. :)

There and Back Again; a Robbins Tale.

2011-08-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

So, we've just gotten back from a trip... and it was quite a trip with many valuable experiences, a lot of stress, and a lot of fun.

One month ago, we left Kansas and drove to Colorado. We met my parents in the southwestern part of the state in a town called Ouray. On the way there, our car started acting up, and when we reached Ouray, it gave out entirely. (Pay attention, and you MIGHT start to notice a pattern.) While the car was in the shop over the weekend, we went gallavanting all over some of the highest mountains in the country with my mom, dad, and my brother Ryan. I would post some pictures, but I just feel that pictures are so inadequate to show what a place really looks like. You really just have to go there to see what it's like.

We stayed in two different campgrounds and went swimming in a huge hot springs pool twice. Mom and Dad also treated us at a John Wayne restaurant, where a scene from one of his movies was shot. We got to see a lot of beautiful and historic sights in the area.

Monday rolled around, and we were able to get our car fixed while we saw a few more gorgeous places. (A powerful waterfall in a canyon, for one.) Once we had our car back, we decided to go on to California as planned, even though we had significantly less money than we had planned to have at that point. Paul's parents promised to lend us a little money if we needed it, so we drove through the state of Arizona and saw some more incredibly beautiful places.

We had decided to try some highways rather than sticking to the freeways, and the results of this decision were mixed. The scenery was amazing in the Sedona area (seriously, rivaling any beautiful place I've been in my life), but the roads curved and climbed through hilly areas so that the speed limit often got down to 25 or even 15 mph. It doesn't take a mathematician to calculate that it takes a lot longer to get somewhere going 20 than it does going 85.... So the day we spent in Arizona was quite a long one.

It was late when we finally got to Whittier, California, and we slept for half of the next day before we began properly socializing with Paul's family. In California, we went to the beach twice, and we also went swimming at a mountain resort called Oak Glen, where Paul's family frequently stayed when they were kids. We got to hang out with all of Paul's siblings and their families. And we went to the temple, too, which we have needed to do for a long time.

I love, love, love little babies, and I was so happy to have time with all four of my nephews and my niece that live in that state. (I look forward to Thanksgiving, when I can go to Vernal and visit my other nephew Ryan, too.) All babies are different, and their personalities are strikingly individual. They are all so cute! If I lived close by, I would happily be the date night babysitter for all of them as often as their parents wanted to go out. I'm really not that scared of diapers, either.

We spent the last few days of our trip in Phelan, which is in the high desert about an hour and a half from Whittier. As soon as we arrived, our car was having problems, and (you guessed it) it gave out on the morning that we were going to leave to come home. Paul's brother Craig and his wife Jenny were kind enough to let us stay another few days, since we couldn't leave anyway. Another of Paul's brothers, Jonathan, was in Phelan for another reason, but he put everything aside and spent many hours working on our car so we wouldn't have to pay for a mechanic again. He, with help from Paul, Craig, and Mark, (another brother, who had come up to Phelan when he heard about our troubles) took out the broken part and then installed a new one. It was really quite a sacrifice for him, and we were really touched by how much everyone wanted to help us.

Staying longer wasn't all bad because it meant that I got to have yet more time with two of my nephews, who I simply adore and could not possibly get enough time with. I got to know Jenny quite a bit better, too, which was good. She's a really funny person.

After the car was fixed, we were finally able to head home. My mom helped us out by getting a hotel room for us in Gallup, New Mexico. This time, our drive across the state of Arizona was shorter because we went all the way across on I 40. The state is gorgeous, even from the freeway, and so is New Mexico. I LOVE New Mexico, and I wonder why I never hear people talk about it. It's simply a gorgeous state, if you're a desert-lover like me. I loved driving across it and up into the edge of Oklahoma.

We were only in Oklahoma for a short span before we passed back into our state, Kansas. I had a lot of fun seeing amazing places and spending time with loved ones on the trip, but it sure felt good to come back into our town and get into our own bed.

Now, we have to pay our families back all the money we owe them... but at least we were taken care-of when we really needed it, and now life can go back to normal. My cousin Charsty is visiting us tonight and all of tomorrow. She is bringing her two wonderful little girls, and I am so excited to have time with all of them! After Charsty leaves on Monday morning, Paul and I will go to school to start yet another semester.

That's the end of this travel log.

Let's be kids again!

2011-05-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Paul has been sick for weeks with really bad chest congestion, and I have been really busy with writing and compiling. Neither of us has had very much opportunity to get out and do something for fun. We decided to go find something to do this evening. Paul had found out about an old-fashioned park in a little town not too far from here. The little Kansas towns are like little individual universes on the prairie. You really never know what you'll find if you go exploring. The playground was awesome! It had real working teeter totters. (We had a great time teeter-tottering, and the wood held out weight just fine!) The merry-go-round was fun too!

Poignant Experiences

2011-05-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have spent a lot of time this year typing up the writing of my family members. My uncle Edd's poems and my great grandmother's poems were the first projects I took on. Now I am typing up the life histories of my Madsen ancestors. It's interesting how people's writing reveals their insights, how you can get some sense of what a person believes and thinks and feels just by reading something that they have written.

I am surprised by how much I like this kind of work. It's sometimes a very poignant experience, like slipping through the threads of someone else's life. I get a sweet little taste of the essence of who my ancestors really were. I should say who they are because I know that they are still around.

My sense that my ancestors still live is not entirely grounded in abstract belief or an intellectual understanding of religious doctrine. I know that my ancestors live because I feel them. As I type up their stories, I feel them reaching out to me, embracing me, grateful that I am aware of them. They want to be known.

It's amazing.

How would you like a tracking device in your breast?

2011-05-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

I have to research random stuff for my work, and this week, I have been learning about breast implants. I was just reading through some general information, and I came across a very casual reference to a certain company embedding microchips into their breast implants. Apparently, the chips contain the patient's medical history and can also be tracked.

And my thought is... Why ON EARTH would you want a microchip that could track you implanted into your breast!? What could you possibly believe to be the advantage of having a tracking device literally implanted into you? Has the world become a freaky sci-fi reality in which people actually don't care about their privacy in the slightest bit? It's one thing to post almost everything you do on Facebook—it's another to have all of your actions trackable by... of all people... your breast implant company....! Is it just me, or is this totally wild?

And why are the breast implant people tracking their consumers, anyway? Are they keeping track of the best vacation spots for people with implants? I don't see how anything you do besides buy their implants is any of their business.

Has it been two years or just one day?

2011-05-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I got on Facebook for the first time in several months. I really don't use it almost at all, but I just had a feeling like I should get on. So I did, and I was so happy to see that I had a message from a friend I haven't seen or talked to in almost two years. We fell out of contact when I moved to Georgia and she went on her mission to Oklahoma. I sent her an email with my new phone number and she called the next day.

The awesome thing about it was that talking to her felt like no time at all had passed. It was as if just yesterday we were hanging out and now we were just picking up the same conversation where it had left off. That was a wonderful feeling.

This friend and I met at Snow College several years ago, and we wrote a story together way back then. Talking to each other reminded us of that story, and we decided to start over with it again. We have been zipping messages back and forth between us since then, reminding each other of the names of the characters and the particulars of what we want to do with the new version of the story. It has been really fun.

It is so much fun to talk to someone about fiction. This friend is also going into a college writing program like me, and she said to me. "You know, Jess. I have been practical for years... and now I just want to live my dream." It's nice, so nice, to have a friend that understands my own desire to do what I love with my life.

Meanwhile, I am working on web page content about breast implantation and I continue typing up the life stories of my ancestors. It is a pretty good life that I have.

How do you avoid becoming stressed out?

2011-05-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

My health is really important to me, and I devote a lot of attention to planning and preparing meals and exercising every day. (I threw in a picture of a healthy meal that I made. It was made from cabbage, green beans, turnip, shrimp, basalmic vinegar, olive oil, and a little rice.) I test my blood sugar often in the attempt to keep it under control. After about three months of intense focus on my health, I have learned a few things, especially about stress.

Stress seems to be the all-out murderer of good health. By testing my blood sugar so often, I have seen dramatic evidence to support this theory. My blood sugars rise insanely whenever I find myself in a stressful situation, even if it is as simple as having a disagreement with my husband. And I mean disagreement, not even a fight.

I have noticed that I don't sleep when I'm stressed, that I get a lot more headaches, and that I give in to eating temptations more easily. Stress makes me rationalize that bad choices are not that bad and probably won't hurt me very much. It's interesting how much more capable I am of making good choices when I am not feeling stressed.

I am still learning how to cope with life's trials so that I can avoid becoming stressed. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at it yet. I would like some feedback from my readers about this. How do you all avoid getting stressed? What do you do that helps you to de-stress when it does happen? Please leave me a comment explaining your strategies. I would really appreciate it. :)

God never leaves us alone—never, ever, for a single second!

2011-05-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how the Lord will provide when you just trust him. Sometimes all you have to do is trust, and he meets your needs in wonderful and surprising ways. I think that he has been slowly prodding me to come to this understanding, to recognize the relationship between faith and miracles. He is so patient to wait around until we are ready to learn and grow. I just want to say that I love my God, and I am so grateful for his love for me.

That might all sound dramatic in the context of the story behind it, but my emotions run deep, and I can't help but let them out sometimes. Paul fondly calls me his little faucet woman because the tears just run out of me like water from a faucet. (For the record, I think crying is a very healthy thing to do, and some people need to do it more often.)

Anyway, about a month ago, I started worrying about earning money during the summer. Our bank account was low, and the shopping trips were turning into grit-your-teeth bare essential affairs. Paul was talking about traveling to visit his family in California and I was thinking that covering the rent might be a more immediate concern. I told Paul I wanted to get a job, and he reminded me that I don't handle retail jobs very well, and that is probably the only opportunity available in Hays.

I was asked to give a talk on Easter Sunday, and I was so busy with my classes that I barely prepared anything. I don't know how the talk went, honestly, but I had my Savior in my thoughts the whole week leading up to it, and that had a profound impact on me. I thought about how Jesus's life ended on the week of the Passover and how beautiful that symbolism was. The feast commemorated the time when Jehovah sent the destroying angel to kill all of the firstborn children—and then he saved all of those who were willing to be faithful to him. Jehovah proved that night that he was the master of life and death, and he would prove it again in the flesh by giving up his life and taking it again.

I thought about Christ back when he was Jehovah in the Old Testament, how he stood with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the flames, how he caused the sun to move back an hour, how he provided manna in the wilderness for the wandering children of Israel, how he repeatedly cared for his children and preserved them in their trials.

One day, I was thinking about all of my trials, and I suddenly remembered a time years ago when I had been taking a walk alone. I had been so depressed on that day, feeling completely alone and hopeless. And then I looked up and saw a tree with little droplets of dew all over it's winter-bare branches. The sun shone through the little droplets like a thousand spots of fire, and it was one of the most brilliantly beautiful things I had ever seen. I remember how the spirit washed over me in that moment, and I felt an absolute certainty that my God was with me, that he loved me, and that he would always be there for me.

And as soon as I remembered it, I was flooded with more memories, memories of times when my friends said exactly the thing I needed to hear, when someone randomly sent me money in the mail on the day when I desperately needed to buy something, when I somehow knew the answers on a test, when passages in books had touched my heart, when I found things that had been lost, when I drove through scary storms unscathed, when I felt the spirit testify to me over and over again that the Church was true—all of these thoughts and many more came rushing over me, and I realized that I had never, ever, for a single second, been left alone. My every need had always been met, and if I just put my trust in God, I would see that my needs always would be.

So it should not have been surprising just a few days later when two different employment opportunities came to me on the same day. A friend that I have done freelance work for in the past called and offered me a job writing website content. Later in the day, my Grandpa Madsen called and asked me to help him type and compile a huge family history book for which I would be paid by the hour. It really felt like pennies from heaven, especially because I didn't tell anyone I was looking for work. They both just came to me and acted like they were inconveniencing me by asking me to work for them.

So now I'm busy. My last final is tomorrow, and I am already neck-deep in my summer work. I am grateful that the Lord has provided me with work which I can do well and that I can enjoy. He is a great God.

Lots of highly exciting, interesting, and completely worthwhile news about my life. :)

2011-04-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

Aren't you super intrigued by this picture of Paul? Well, if you want to know what it's all about, you'll just have to keep on reading and find out. Before I explain the picture, I have to make an exciting announcement! We have finally, finally, FINALLY gotten Internet at our apartment!!!!!!!!! That means that I can actually post on my blog sometimes. That means that there no longer have to be months in between my postings! I think everyone we know should travel out to Kansas and have a huge party with us. We can get my dad to make jambalaya and we'll have fireworks and Mississippi mud cake. (Well, everyone but me can have the cake... I'll have some Diet Code Red Mountain Dew.) Paul will make sure to provide a massive salad, also-- and all of it will be in celebration of our home Internet access! Now that I think about it, I actually have all kinds of news because my life has been changing constantly these last few months. Let's see... I have stopped eating refined sugar, have finally started to get my apartment organized, and I have also recently embarked on two huge literary projects that involve typing up poetry and compiling. My uncle Edd chose me long ago to be the person to help him put his poems together. When I was thirteen and put my first finished novel into his hands, he gave me a long look and decided that I was probably the right person for the job. Ever since then, we've talked about it a lot and now it is finally happening. He's a wonderful poet, and I also just love him like a best friend. Seriously, I love talking to him, and it's great to have an excuse to call him all the time and talk to him frequently. It's a good project for me. At the same time, I have started re-typing the poetry of my great grandmother, Olen Bodily. In the 80s, my mom and aunt Lydia and Grandma Vadrus, and probably a lot of other family members, typed up books of her poetry and distributed them to all of Grandma Bodily's descendants. Even before I was aware of the existence of these books, I started to feel close to Grandma Bodily for no reason at all a few months ago. I thought about her frequently and then I learned about her poetry. I decided to re-type it all and make a new awesome book for everyone, including all of the new descendants that have been born since the 80s. I am really excited to make an artistic beautiful book of her work. Typing up Grandma Bodily's poems has brought me closer to her, and I have sometimes felt her presence with me. This is crazy because I have no memory of her from my own life. Yet, at certain times, I have been quite certain that she was right there with me. She is a wonderful person who loves us all so much, and I have learned a little about the connection between our world and the spirit world from typing up her poems. Now, to explain the pictures... :) We went on a trip over spring break a few weeks ago, and it was SO MUCH FUN! We threw caution to the wind and headed south into Oklahoma and then northern Texas. We stayed in Amarillo and then headed further south and west into New Mexico. The goal was Carlsbad Caverns National Park. I will have to write another post soon about the trip, but I thought I would wet your appetite with just a few pictures. The one at the top is of Paul within the huge cave at the national park. We didn't get many good pictures because caves just don't have great lighting, but I was proud of that one. Below, we have a picture of a huge cow--because we saw literally thousands of cows on the trip. And of course, we had to stay at Roswell and go to the alien museum. Below is a picture of an alien model from the museum. Many more exciting alien pictures (and other pictures from gorgeous northern New Mexico and eastern Colorado) are to follow in my next post. Yes, they are real... aliens, I mean. :)

Too many action spy shows...!!!!!!!

2011-03-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

I had this crazy scary dream last night about one of my cousins trying to kill me. It was funny because the dream didn't sound at all scary when I tried to tell Paul about it, but it was quite terrifying. I haven't even seen that cousin in years, and I always liked him. (He was nice to me when I was little, anyway.) My cousin first stole my possessions (a wallet, I believe and some other things that I can't remember) and then told me he would kill me. When I tried to run, he broke down a door chasing me and was going to hit me with a big hard-backed book when I woke up...

I don't know what's up with my crazy violent dreams. Maybe it's the latent result of watching several seasons of 24, and maybe it's because Paul and I have recently been watching Chuck. All the running around and shooting and fist fights might be catching up with me. My favorite dreams of that sort are the ones that turn me into a karate-chopping action hero. Sometimes I just flat knock out all the bad guys!

Random, I know. But I needed to write something... :)

Preparing to Meet God.

2011-03-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling deeply introspective right this moment. I have been reading Alma Chapter 34 for several days now, (I just keep finding more and more brilliant amazing doctrine in each verse so that I cannot quite move on to the next chapter.) and I had a powerful memory come back to me this morning. Verse 32 reads

For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.

I remembered the first time that I read those words in my personal scripture reading. I was probably ten or eleven years old because that was around the time when I started reading the Book of Mormon for the first time. I was a good reader and could fly right through all the stories with fairly decent comprehension of what was going on. I got to this part in which Alma and Amulek are teaching the crazy Zoramites, and suddenly I came to this verse.

It hit me hard and left a mark. It was like a light turned on in my mind. I thought, "Hm. So that's what life is about." I thought about it for a long time and repeated the words over and over in my mind. I was forever changed by those words.

If I was going to meet God some day, I thought, I needed to be ready. I would have to talk to him about everything I had done in my life and all the things that I had worked for. I wanted my life to be devoted to preparing for that meeting. It put everything else into perspective and nurtured in me a powerful desire to do everything that God would ask me to do. When I met him after my life, I wanted the meeting to be a good one, a happy one. I didn't want to have regrets or to feel bad about my life.

I don't pretend that I've done everything right up to this point, but I can say honestly that I have devoted my life ever since then to that preparation. I feel like my testimony of the gospel really started that day, and I still look forward to my meeting with God. I know it will be happy as long as I keep pressing forward.

Let's love our bodies.

2011-02-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

Isn't it strange that I used to want to have a body so badly? Before I was born (and I can't remember it, of course) I was so excited at the prospect of having a body that I cheered and clapped for joy. I wanted the chance to go to earth and have my test there, to show Heavenly Father that I loved him and would obey him. I understood that I really needed a body to do that. I doubt that I cared very much what kind of body it was; I just wanted to receive that great gift.

It's funny how easy it is to buy into pop culture. I can read my scriptures one day and have absolute faith in the Plan of Salvation, and the next day I am frustrated and angry and totally hating my body. Sometimes I have wished that I didn't even have one because I felt like my body was a prison (like when I was the hugest girl in my BYU ward, bigger than all the fully pregnant girls and yet not able to get pregnant myself). When I buy into pop culture standards of body image, I am disregarding my body's place in the Plan. My body has a very important place, of course. Sometimes I forget what an amazing gift it really is.

Think about it! We have been given these miraculous bodies as gifts from our father. How must it make him feel when we complain about them? When we compare ourselves to others, we are effectively saying, "Heavenly Father, this body you gave me isn't good enough! I hate it and I'm not grateful for the gift. Why couldn't you have given me something else?"

It sounds pretty bad when I put it like that, doesn't it? Unfortunately, that is the way that so many of us feel about our bodies. If we can get away from those feelings and remember the joy we felt back when we first found out that we were finally going to get our bodies, we can begin to feel gratitude.

We can thank the Lord for giving us bodies and we can think of our bodies as precious and worth-taking-care-of. We can forget about cultural standards of physical beauty and focus instead on nourishing ourselves and showing gratitude to our God. That is so much better than allowing ourselves to get wrapped up in shame and superficial attempts to force our bodies to look a certain way.

So, really, let's love our bodies.

The Zoo, a theater, Ethiopian food, and strengthened faith.

2011-02-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

So we went to another zoo last weekend, this one in Kansas City. Of all the ones we have been to in different parts of the country, this one is the lamest so far. It may be better at other times of the year when the entire half of the zoo called "Africa" isn't closed. We managed to have fun anyway. The lovely little otter in the picture above was entertaining himself by rolling over and over in the snow. He was so cute!

This polar bear was the biggest attraction at the zoo, and he was really entertaining. He swam back flips over and over again. It is amazing to see how well polar bears can swim.

This was his paw. He would propel himself off of the glass, and we took a lot of pictures trying to get a picture of it. Here is one with Paul's hand and another with my head-- to show the size of the paw. It is impressive how huge it was.

Some more pictures... A red panda, Paul and a monkey...

While we were in the city, we also went to see a movie at an awesome fancy theater and we ate at an Ethiopian restaurant and two sushi restaurants. (We had to get sushi since Paul believes that he simply cannot survive without eating sushi as often as possible.) The Ethiopian food was very meaty, very messy since you eat without utensils, and quite delicious.

We also went to the Independence, Missouri LDS Church Visitors Center. We spent about five hours going through exhibits, watching videos, talking to the missionaries, and having our faith strengthened. We both felt the spirit of missionary work flare up inside of us. It is wonderful how a true testimony demands to be shared. The Spirit also brings such hope and peace. I felt this calm settle down into my soul, and I was grateful that we splurged on a little trip.

Is -40 degrees cold enough for you?

2011-02-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

Although the weather is supposed to be a germane topic that you should never talk about unless you have nothing else to say... I want to talk to about the weather. Here it has been brutal! Paul and I recently experienced our first ice storm. Had the camera been able to do its job, I would have gotten pictures of the thousands of individual blades of grass covered in a thick French-fry-looking layer of ice. The ground, the trees, the cars were all covered with a layer of shiny clear ice. Walking around outside was more akin to ice skating.

That was exciting.

More recently just this week, the temperature dropped really low and the wind was howling so cold. With the wind chill, the temperature outside was -40 degrees! I got up to go to my morning class, and I seriously considered staying home that day. I went anyway, but only about half the students did. Turns out that every other college and university in the state was closed that day, but the president of our school refused to close FHSU.

The cold weather really makes you aware of your mortality. Stay out in that too long and you die. Hands down, you die. It's crazy how fast you lose the feeling in your hands. Suddenly you just can't grab things, and you can't even move your fingers! I'm so glad that my parents gave me a good coat for Christmas so that I didn't have to be too cold.

I am happy to report that the sun was out this morning when I came to school and that the temperature was above zero! Looks like it's going to be a beautiful day.

What Abinadi Knew

2011-01-26T08:51:00.000-08:00

I have been reading about the prophet Abinadi in the Book of Mormon. I started reading the book three weeks ago and have read up to this point in the book of Mosiah. Reading so fast has offered special insights to me, and I have had certain understandings come to me that I never had before. It's amazing how much there is to learn in the scriptures. You can read every day for your whole life and never, never stop finding more.

Anyway, I got to Abinadi's story. I am so in awe of his bravery. He went charging into a hostile situation, seemingly aware of the fact that it would likely end badly for him. He knew that the king, Noah, would not want to hear the Lord's words. He was probably terrified of what would happen when he opened his mouth-- and yet he did it anyway!

Abinadi was bold. He demanded to be heard, and he would not stop talking until he had said all that God had sent him to say. He did so even though he was thrown in prison, threatened, and eventually burned to death.

Why did he do it?

I know why, and it was because of what he knew. He knew that God lived, he knew that Jesus Christ was his redeemer who would be born someday. He knew with absolute certainty that God has a plan for his children, and that everyone needs the opportunity to know that plan.

When you know those things, when you really know them, it changes you and gives you bravery. When you know those things, you are willing to do anything for the Lord. You are willing to defend truth and teach boldly, and no situation is too scary or hostile. When you know, you want to show the Lord by doing everything he asks you to do. Everything.

I have felt my love for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ grow as I have read these past weeks, and in turn I have become more aware of their love for me and for everyone. It is incredible how much they love us.

For anyone who doesn't know Abinadi's story, I have posted a link below to an article about him. It's a little academic, but it's a comprehensive version.

http://lds.org/ensign/1992/04/abinadi-prophet-and-martyr?lang=eng

Something bigger than me.

2011-01-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

I have eight minutes right now before my advanced composition class starts... and I have decided that I need to get blog posts in whenever I can. I want my blog to be representative of my actual life-- with the flavor of my life. Lives have flavors, you know. They don't all taste the same.

So here's something that happened yesterday. I was thinking about depressing things, and I started to get really... well, depressed. I am a deeply emotional person, and sometimes my emotions rush through me so powerfully that I can barely cope. I tend to get lonely. Solitude is not always bad, but I can take it too far. So this familiar scene played out last night of me sitting on the couch staring off into space and feeling sad. I had finished all my homework and reading for the week, and there was nothing responsible to distract me.

Paul had downloaded a song for me from OCremix, which is a website where composers remix (or rewrite with their own twist) music from video games. My absolute favorite song is from Final Fantasy 6, and I am totally in love with a certain remix. I turned it on, and the emotions came howling at me. It nearly overwhelmed me.

But I had a little thought, "I should use these emotions."

So I went looking for a pencil, and I found a piece of printer paper. I put the pencil to the paper, and I let the emotions flow right from the music, into my soul, down into the pencil, and onto the paper. A drawing was born of a young girl (probably 13 or so) looking up. She is standing in a desert with a mesa in the background and a few scattered bushes. Mostly the backdrop is empty and wide, showing the vastness of the world. And the girl-- she is small compared to all that. I titled the drawing, "Something bigger than me."

When I was done, I felt better. The emotions had calmed, and I had made something beautiful. I was grateful, then, to be alone. I was grateful that I had the emotions, even the strong whirlwind. I thought if I could just use them... I could make the world more beautiful.

Creepy crawly things...

2011-01-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

Random fact about Kansas: it has A LOT of big spiders. I took this picture last summer at the Wichita Zoo. This spider wasn't an exhibit; it was wild, just sitting on the side of a little building. The challenge of getting a good picture of a huge spider is placing something next to it that will reveal how big it actually is. (Sometimes in the past, we have used our hands, but this always seemed just a bit foolhardy.) I have seen bigger ones than this one that were brown or black. They tend to hide under stuff, but I have seen one just standing in the middle of the hallway at school, and my neighbor found one clinging to the front of her little boy's shirt.

I have yet to see any really big ones in the apartment, but I have seen dozens of little fuzzy ones all winter. When I see them, I have one of two reactions. One, I shriek and smash them before thinking twice. Or two, I watch in fascination as they spin their little webs or creep along in their spidery way. They are beautiful in a frightening, macabre sense, and I do kind of like them. That is, as long as they're not biting me or laying their eggs in my house or crawling over me when I'm trying to sleep. When they do any of those things, they MUST DIE!

Does life have a plan?

2011-01-21T10:14:00.001-08:00

Can I just say that I'm grateful that my life has not been according to my own plan? I've been thinking about the whole journey that I've been on since I went to college freshman year. I thought I would graduate within four years and then really get started with my writing life. I would be a published author by now and I would live by my pen, like Jane Austen.

I didn't plan on marriage because... let's be honest here. I never dated, I never had boyfriends, I never even had guys seem interested in me in any way. I thought, "Who needs that anyway?" But I really did, and I'm glad that marriage came crashing through my plans. I can't imagine how I could have survived the two years that followed if I hadn't had Paul.

I got sick, very sick, and all my plans of graduating quickly disintegrated. It just wasn't possible for me to take a lot of classes and succeed when I was so ill. A lot of my hopes and dreams completely vanished as I grappled with the realities of my illness. I can't properly express what that was like, and I prefer to not think too much about it. Almost all of my life plans were gone, and that made me feel lost for a while.

But I was talking to Paul yesterday, and I realized that I'm not lost anymore. I have learned that my plans for myself were not God's plans for me. I don't know what all of his plans are, but I feel peace. I know that my life has meaning and purpose and that I can do many good things while I live. I don't need to know what will happen and I don't need to depend on plans too much-- because I'm not really the maker of the plans.

Paul's Modern Art

2011-01-18T09:34:00.000-08:00

Trying to take a picture of your own eye... a courageous endeavor. Kudos to Paul...! I consider the pictures on this post to be Paul's idea of modern art.

And for another series of delightful photography... and I really do mean that. :)

We were visiting a local reservoire called Webster Lake at some point last semester, and Paul took these incredibly silly pictures. What is especially humorous about them is that he took them by accident. He had some vague idea about taking a picture that would have his face as a closeup with me in the background... Well, you decide how well it worked out.

Paul also likes to draw his own comics. They usually have some kind of social commentary or religious joke. (He likes to play on scriptural language and be punny.) And as a sidenote, you may have noticed the limestone that is the backdrop of Paul's self-portraits. Kansas is pretty much made of limestone, so you see it everywhere and most of the buildings on the FHSU campus are made of it.

Is it "differ from" or "differ with?"

2011-01-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

I have almost been in school for a week in my new classes, and already I am feeling the grind. Fortunately, I think the stress level should be lower this semester than it was last semester. If it isn't, I may just have to kill myself. (I mean kill myself in some quick and painless way, such as by placing my neck under a guillotine. Please, let me know if you know where one is...)

Seriously, though. My classes are demanding. I spent hours "scanning" a section in the Chicago Manual of Style for my Professional Editing class. It was a word usage section that quibbles with serious writing issues, such as when to use "differ from" and when to use "differ with." I am glad we're not actually expected to memorize all 39 pages. It is supposed to be the Bible of editing reference material. I've been considering editorial work as one of my possible future careers, and this class may determine whether or not I actually want to do that line of work.

(Here I should offer a disclaimer... I always try to catch errors in my blog posts, but some of them slide through. I have sometimes gone back to correct previous posts when I found errors later. Maybe after spending a semester doing hardcore editing, I will be better at editing my own writing. Until then, I'm not sure the quality is going to improve much. I will never been offended if people point out usage errors to me in the comments.)

I have some time right now, and if I can, I will post a few silly pictures. We'll see if the pictures will successfully download.

A time-devouring monster.

2011-01-12T09:49:00.000-08:00

I know... It has been pretty much eternity since I last posted. I have a few minutes just now before my first class of this semester starts, and I thought I should write something. I don't think it is even possible to summarize my last semester. It was like a huge time-devouring monster that kept me staying up late and getting up early researching and writing and just generally working insanely. I have never been that busy or that buried in schoolwork before. Taking two writing classes and two lit classes together was maybe not the best idea I have ever had. I always had this feeling like there was something that I was not remembering to do-- and there usually was something.

The worst moment of the semester was when I walked into my fiction class and saw neat-looking papers on every one's desks... and I realized the class's major paper was due and I had not even started or thought about it for a second. (It turned out all right because the teacher could see that I was having a heart attack and gave a generous extension of almost a week!)

Some of the best moments were spent with my professors talking about my writing. They were so encouraging and honest. Their critiques helped me to do better with form and style, and their compliments helped me to believe that I really can make a career out of writing. It was the kind of professional affirmation that I really needed. I know that we were inspired to come to this school so that I could work with these teachers. And who would have thought that the perfect program for me would be in Kansas!?

But of course the semester had to end at some point, and when it did Paul and I went to Vernal to visit my family. It was so good to see everyone, and Christmas was really fun. My mom and dad were very thoughtful and gave us a lot of presents. Most notably, they gave me a coat and they gave Paul the entire Chronicles of Narnia book series on CD. My mom made us a photo book of our wedding, and she also made a Tender Mercies Journal for everyone. Those were really sweet gifts. I was like a little kid, so happy and excited to get presents. And speaking of little kids, I absolutely loved spending time with my nephew, little Ryan. He is a really wonderful boy! He was talking a lot, and he surprised everyone by remembering Paul's name without being prompted.

Paul and I decided to take a new route home, and that proved interesting. We went north to Flaming Gorge and into Wyoming. All went swimmingly until one of our tires exploded on the freeway. We were fine, but we had to change the stupid tire, and conditions proved to be hostile. It was below zero and the winds were howling at 45+ mph. That was the single longest coldest experience of my life, and I don't recommend it...

Anyway, we made it. And I am out of time. I've got to go to class now... Introduction to Literary Analysis and Theory... Hope it goes well.

A few... interesting... items from my life recently.

2010-09-10T10:29:00.001-07:00

Hm. I don't make it online as often as I would like for leisure purposes these days. I have been swamped with homework and reading and I have not been able to do much else since school started. Sheesh.

But here are a few items of news from the past few weeks:

1. We were given an excessive number of tomatoes by our neighbors and ward members, so last week we made a fantastic salsa. (It really was quite delicious!)

2. We have been meeting with a school gaming group on Thursdays. Last night, I won a Ticket to Ride game with a score of 262! And that was a five player game. Those familiar with the game will understand the greatness of the victory.

3. My little nephew Caleb was born just two or three days after we came back from California. He was born so fast that his face was black with bruises when he came out. He is doing very well from what we hear.

4. We got some episodes of the original series of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from Netflix and have been watching them. They are so funny! When I was little, I pretty much worshiped the Ninja Turtles, so it is really fun to see what the show is like as an adult. It's a lot better than I expected it to be.

5. After almost a full month, I actually did laundry on Wednesday... It cost almost twenty dollars and used up almost a full jar of my mom's homemade laundry detergent! It was nice this morning to have clothes to choose from for a change rather than having to wear the one odd thing that I happened to have left...

As fascinating as all this is... I have got to go. Just think, if I had made each one of these items its own post... you could have been even MORE bored than you already are. :)

The library is a nice place to live.

2010-09-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

I wish that there were private apartments within the library here on campus. I bet the rent would be quite reasonable, even if the accommodations were a bit... academic. It would be convenient to actually move into the library, since that is where I am going to have to be every day all semester long. I am already eating, drinking, and sleeping my research. What could I have been thinking, signing up for four English classes and a history writing class?

You would think that if I would be allowed to choose my own topics for my research, I would be intelligent enough to pick topics that would be reasonably easy to research.

Ha, ha.

I am simply too passionate, too interested in the quirky, and too whimsically-minded to research regular, solid, uninteresting topics. If I am going to spend hundreds of hours studying and writing about something, I want it to be freakin' cool. Otherwise I will bored and hate my [English, writing concentration] life.

So... I am writing about food. I want to see how the American diet changed in the last century, why it changed, and what those changes mean about our society. For another class, I am coming up with a feasible solution to the problem of starvation in countries that have taken loans from the World Bank. (I think countries need to pull out of world economics and first feed themselves; I theorize that only through self-sufficiency will the starvation problem be solved.) I'm sure my solutions will be earth-shattering and all that, but it's hard to find sources for basic research. And this is not even mentioning literature research for my other classes...!

Maybe I should keep blankets, pillows and copious amounts of snack foods in the car just in case a corner of the library opens up for habitation. Then I can just move in permanently and save myself the trouble and driving back and forth from home. It would be so much easier that way.

Are the differences so different?

2010-08-31T08:26:00.000-07:00

This last weekend on Saturday, I ended up in a car with a woman from church who I don't really like. We had a pioneer-centered primary activity at someone's farm, and I had to catch a ride to get out to the farm. The drive was an hour or so, and I regretted riding with the woman. She may be well-respected at the church, but she has never been kind to me.

Sometimes I tell myself that I need to get over my dislike for people. Sometimes people may seem like they're not very nice, but when you get to know them you see something else. With that in mind, I tried making conversation with this woman. I started by asking her a few questions about her life but found that she didn't seem to want to talk about herself. So I decided to tell her a little about my life in the hopes that we could find some common ground.

She wanted to know why I wasn't "working," so I started to talk about it. I said that when I was babysitting during the summer, Paul really hated it. He hated going days without seeing me, I said, and so maybe it was--

At this point, the woman cut me off to say sharply that my husband was just going to have to "suck it up" and get used to the idea that life isn't fair and he couldn't have every little thing he wanted. It was so harsh, so judgemental, that I just stopped talking. I couldn't believe it. The woman hadn't given me time to explain any of the circumstances, such as the fact that the family I was babysitting for moved away, or the fact that I get sick frequently and have an incredibly hard time holding down a regular job. (Forget the fact that I was babysitting from morning to night so that I went four days at a time without spending a minute with my husband. Don't mention Paul's new job which had full time hours for a while.) All of the factors loom so huge in my mind, factors that explain why I am attempting to write for a living, and how this is the best course that I can take for my own life right now. She didn't give me a chance to explain about the writing at all.

I was thinking as I endured the last several minutes in the car that everyone's family is different. Everyone's circumstances are unique. And everyone's marriage is its own entity. Perhaps some people don't mind at all if they don't get to see their spouse for weeks at a time. Maybe time together isn't as important to others as it is to us. Maybe this woman's life has gone so differently than mine that she cannot even understand where I am right now.

But I tend to think that it is possible for people to relate to each other, even if one has six kids and the other is without children and going to school. Do factors such as age and family situation really matter when it comes down to it? I think every opportunity that we have to spend time with other people is a chance to show kindness, a chance to exercise charity. I don't ever want to be the person who treats someone the way that this woman treated me. I want to be the one who listens and cares and doesn't judge.

I may never know the factors that led that person to be where she is.

I want to be like Captain Moroni.

2010-08-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

Ah, it's Friday and my classes are over for the first week. I would be sighing a long sigh of relief... but it is just the first week and the entire rest of the semester is to follow. Make that a very long sigh that encompasses my resignation that I have a lot of work ahead of me.

For my various classes, I have already been doing a lot of reading this week. Perhaps it is coincidental, but most of the reading I have had to do has dealt with similar themes so that it feels like it is all intentionally connected. I actually forget which class I am reading for as I go along and have go remind myself.

In my history writing class, I have been reading about how the institution of American slavery came about and how the original Virginia colony had an 80% death rate because they refused to plant crops for food, thinking only of the potential profits that they could earn from planting tobacco instead. They starved to death for this folly, but those who survived just kept on doing it. I also have been reading about the KKK, which is not particularly light-hearted reading. Couple these readings with my British literature reading about the dawn of industrialism and the wide-spread exploitation of unemployed men and starving workers and five-year-old children working in coal mines. My intro to fiction class had a long discussion about the Victorian era and the ridiculously oppression under women had to live. (They were basically property that was allowed to have no voice, no opinions, no activities outside of the home, and certainly no desires or pleasures. They were, it can be argued, basically the slaves of the men in their lives.)

I am reading about all of these things thinking, "Oh, my gosh. Has anyone in history actually not abused and exploited other people? Are there actually good things to learn from the past or is it all a big blur of endless ugliness and evil?"

When I learn about the past and all the terrible things that people have done to each other, I do tend to feel that way. Even the Book of Mormon talks about the "natural" state of people in these kinds of terms. Without the light of Jesus Christ, people are nasty and horrible beings. They think about their own needs, their own wants, their own well-being. We have the entire history of world as an example of what people will do to protect their own interests. It's so sad!

But I take comfort in the stories of the Book of Mormon. As I have been reading this time around, I have been intensively touched by the stories of good people in the midst of evil. There's a reason we know the names of Alma, Amulek, Ammon, Captain Moroni, and the brothers Nephi and Lehi. They are remembered because they were so righteous and obedient to God that they were able to make a serious difference in the lives of others. Their devotion to the Lord was a powerful, palpable force, and they were able to change lives and hearts with the Spirit they carried with them. They lived through terrible times in which people oppressed and abused each other, and yet-- their lives are wonderful examples of how we can be.

I am so grateful that I have the restored gospel to give me this hope. The bright perspective that it gives me helps me to find peace. I just hope that the reading isn't this depressing all semester long.

Living in Transition

2010-08-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have now been to all of my classes, and I am excited and slightly overwhelmed at the semester that lies ahead. I'm taking four English classes and a history writing class. The thing that intimidates me most at this point is the sheer amount of reading that I will have to do. Teachers seem to think that their students have nothing else to do but read for endless amounts of time, and this does worry me just a little bit.

But, hey. I have always first and foremost been good at reading. It was my highest score on the ACT and the one thing I always felt competent doing. It really isn't so bad to read a lot-- it just takes a lot of time. Already, Paul is not liking all the time I have to spend reading, but he will get used to it. I'm sure I will get jealous of the time he will spend at work and doing his assistantship.

Oh, yeah! Paul got an assistantship, and it is really wonderful. He gets to help teach introductory psychology classes. That's good because it is what he wants to eventually do for his career. It will be much easier for him to get a teaching job after he graduates if he already has solid experience. I am so proud of him!

As hard as it is to spend more time apart, it is good for us to work toward the future. Jobs and hard classes suck up time, but they are important. Just think, I tell myself, someday we will be out of school and just living! Someday we will have good-paying jobs and probably even less time to be together.... It's peculiar to be in school because it feels like we live in transition. We are not quite anywhere at the moment, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, look forward to more specifics about my classes and such as the days go on.... If that sort of thing interests you, of course.

A summer full of children.

2010-08-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have about ten minutes right now before I have to go to my next class, so I thought I would hurry and post something. It has been so long since I did so that I cannot even remember when that was...!

Alas.

I have all kinds of excuses such as a long busy mostly internet-access-free summer, etc. But the truth is that I simply did not post. I didn't get onto my blog even when I had the chance, so... sorry to those of you who are actually interested in what I have to say. I never actually run out of things to say, but I do find myself in a bit of dilemma from time to time. On those rare occassions when I did have internet access and time to do things, I always had things to do that were just a little bit important such as filling out my FAFSA and looking for ways to make money. So the blog suffered for all of my busy-ness.

But, as you might have been able to tell, I am back in school again and now I should have no problems getting online to post pretty much every weekday. Yay! I am taking a lot of classes, which likely means that I will have to be on the computer a lot anyway. Between papers and research and online busy work, I will have to have breaks, and that is when you will get to read all the fascinating and endlessly interesting things that go through my head. My experiences fly past me and I try to grab at them and hold onto them before they fade away into dim and static memory. I have a need to communicate that experience to someone else-- you know, readers like you people. :)

I spent my summer mostly with children. I got a job babysitting two boys, ages two and three years old. They were difficult at first, but major bonding ensued and I love them like my own. I spent my Sundays at church with the primary children because that is my new calling-- to be second counciler in the primary presidency. My sharing times were really fun! The kids are so cute and so eager to learn anything and everything.

A month ago, Paul and I went out to Vernal to spend a week with my parents. That was fun, too! We went camping and I loved to have time with everyone. My little nephew Ryan is such a talker. He is two and I just loved getting time with him. After we left Utah, we drove down to California to attend some events in Paul's family. Again, I had fun with the children. My nephews are Cyrus (2), Nathaniel (9 months), and Bejamin (3 months).

On the way down there, our car broke down. We were stranded for three weeks before we managed to buy another and come home to Kansas. In that time, we got to go the beach and be treated at great restaurants by Paul's brothers and it was fun!

Anyway, I have to get to class now. That's basically the update.

The Church of the Cross

2010-05-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, Paul and I went for a drive. We had heard from my aunt Ann that there was a historical church that some of my Burghardt ancestors had helped to build when they settled the plains here in Kansas. Almost purely by chance, we actually found it. It's called the Church of the Cross, and it is one of the most beautiful and amazing things I've ever seen! Sadly, it was really dark within the open cathedral. This is the only good picture I got of that magnificent ceiling. Sadly, the camera couldn't capture how big the room was.

Here's a picture from outside. You can see the impressive stonework and that mural behind me.

Here is some wonderful woodwork. You can tell that the people really worshiped God in the making of this place! This is one of the many tall stain glass windows. They all told a story, most of them from Bible. There were also some stories of Saints in the windows.

Sadly, I forgot to flip these next two pictures... Sorry! These are some little windows that tell the story of the pioneers who built the church. They crossed the sea in ships and then the land in covered wagons.

Then they build the church and planted grains and sunflowers!

Paul was so excited and he thought it was so amazing that my ancestors had lived and worked there. He said, "They really loved God! You can tell!" And I was so happy to think that I have come from good people who worked hard to show God that they were faithful.

I wonder sometimes if our ancestors are aware of us. Do they see the things we do? Do they walk with us, even when we feel that we're alone? If they do, I want to live a good life so that I bring joy to them!

Some macabre tornado thoughts.

2010-05-07T09:28:00.001-07:00

Last night when we were attempting to go to sleep, the winds came howling and shook our apartment rather frighteningly. The bed was shaking hard, and I was imagining the house blowing apart. Paul said we would just hold onto each other and our combined weight would keep us from blowing away or being carried up into a tornado. I laughed. If the wind was blowing intensely enough to break apart our house, I kind of doubt that we could possibly be heavy enough to not be blown away too.

That led me to imagine us getting carried up into a tornado. I could just see myself still wrapped in my bed sheet sailing high up off the ground in the middle of a tornado. I have heard of people surviving such things, but I doubt that most actually do. Likely we would be shredded to pieces by the high-velocity debris in the vortex. Supposedly blades of grass can act like razor blades if they're moving fast enough...

Try not to use your imagination.

I'm happy to report that the apartment did not break apart. We are alive and well and have not experienced a tornado just yet.

Musings on the subject of love.

2010-05-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

As evidenced by my previous post, I have been thinking much about love. It's an interesting thing to consider. And this is the vein of my thoughts on the subject:

We first have to be loved to understand what love is. We learn love from our parents and our families and the love we feel from them makes us feel important and special and happy. But if we stop right there, we really miss the point of love. The next step must be to learn to love others. We love our mother, our father, our brothers and sisters and grandparents. Eventually as we grow, we love our friends and cousins and teachers. But if we stop at that point, we still don't fully comprehend what love is. (At that point, it is still pretty selfish, because it's easy to love people who already love you.)

Christ taught the unthinkable idea of loving even the people that hate you. He said to love those who hurt you and persecute you. He said that you should forgive every time someone hurts you and keep loving them no matter what they do. You should treat everyone how you would want them to treat you. So we see that love isn't something to be hoarded with a select few people. It really is for everyone of every land and even for people who really don't seem to deserve it.

I think that as we progress through our lives, we must grow in our love. It starts when we are only babies but it can continue through our whole lives. There are always opportunities to love others, to show compassion and kindness, to exercise patience, to listen and to forgive. It's not some pipe dream or fantasy for a better world-- it's a reality that actual human beings can learn as they grow and progress through life.

Little children teach us about love.

2010-05-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

Did I ever mention that Paul and I have been called to be nursery leaders at church? The kids are almost all barely eighteen months old, and they are not yet sure about this nursery business. Last week was really good and the kids were cooperative and had fun, but yesterday was a different story. There were five kids and four of them had meltdowns and eventually had to be taken to their parents. The end of church found us with just one little girl. She was walking around giggling and smiling and having a grand old time without us having to give her much attention at all. I was really grateful for that little girl!

Teaching nursery these last few weeks has been interesting. I am surprised at how much these babies actually do listen, even though I don't think they comprehend much of what I'm trying to teach them just yet. I have a natural sense for teaching, and I can tell when people understand what I'm trying to say to them. (This can be quite gratifying in certain settings when I see people's understanding open, but quite sad in other settings when I just can't seem to reach a person no matter what I say.) I have been fascinated by which things the nursery children are able to understand.

They understand the names of things such as families, scriptures, and food. They have a symbolic understanding. When I show them a picture of a family, they know that the mommy, daddy, brothers and sisters of the picture represent their own families. Mostly, I have seen how well they understand love. When I say that Jesus loves them, they know what that means. It's not at all hard for them to believe that they are loved and that they can love.

It shows how love is central to our makeup as human beings. It's the first thing we understand and the first thing we can give to others. Ultimately, it's the most important thing we can give to everyone and the ability to love others is possibly the greatest power that we have.

We can learn a lot from little children, even if it means putting up with a lot of meltdowns in between.

I can't summarize happiness.

2010-04-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, we went for a drive when we were taking a break from our writing. We found a "highway" with this pretty wooded area alongside. We decided to try to take pictures of the two of us. These first ones were just us holding the camera out to the side and trying to look natural. Some of them turned out kind of fun.

See Paul's FHSU shirt? He really likes that shirt and insists on wearing it at least once a week. (He usually has two or three favorite shirts that get worn ten times more than all the rest. He's silly like that.)

The picture below is the one picture that actually worked out when we tried to use the timer function on the camera. We had several hilarious blurry ones, ridiculously off-to-the-side ones, and the sun going down kind of destroyed the lighting. (I'm starting to think full-body shots of me are pretty funny. I look like someone took a regular person and squished them down into a stump!)

We were exploring Hays and found this little place that had a bunch of plaques for Hays and her "Sister Cities" around the world. Here is the Hays one. Unfortunately, I don't know exactly what a "sister city" is, or I would explain.

We're doing very well right now, and experiencing real happiness. I don't know how to summarize a happy life. Sure, we're worried about millions of bills just like everyone else, but we're just having fun and loving being here and being together. We're both spending hours every day writing. Paul's working on papers for school and I'm working hard on my book and some articles here and there. The writing life suits us very well, and I prefer it a thousand times more than having a conventional job. I'm so glad to have found a lifestyle that works so well for the person that I am!

Music brings memories.

2010-04-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

So I finally found the camera (in my backpack, ironically) but after copying pictures to my computer, I managed to lose the memory card. I'm sure it will pop up again as things usually do, but sadly... the blog will still have to go without pictures until I find it again.

Well, I might be able to get some pictures off of my computer to put onto the blog at school tomorrow, but I never remember to do things like in the morning. I always get up as late as possible and have to run and scramble to get out the door. I have been known to forget all kinds of important things like my wallet, my cell phone, my notebook, my pen, and just about anything else that I might need. I don't know how I can be expected to remember to get pictures from my computer to take to school!

It has been fun these last few days to listen to a bunch of my old music. Before our old computer died, most of the music that we listened to was either downloaded from the internet (OC Remix) or copied from cds from the library and from my mom. We lost hundreds of songs when the computer died, including just about everything that we had been listening to.

So recently, I took all of our cds and copied most of them onto our new computer. It was SO FUN to listen to music that I have not listened to for years. It's so funny, because every song reminds of things from certain time periods of my life. The Remember the Titans soundtrack reminds me of my friend Ruth and the good ol' days of junior high school. Blessid Union of Souls makes me remember riding with my brother James in his blue truck before his mission. I have music that is distinctly high school to me and much more that reminds me of Southern Virginia University and Snow College where I went to school when I was single.

It's funny because some songs make me feel the excitement of being in love for the first time and others the sadness of being rejected. Most songs make me think of my friends and I remember us laughing and singing together. It's almost like each song comes with a private folder of memories and emotions and I can't seem to separate each song from all the things it makes me feel.

How do you create real female characters?

2010-04-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm working on my latest book, and I have decided to focus more on some of my female characters. I think it's unfair and stupid that most stories are about men, and that most of the women in books and movies are one dimensional and are only there to be love interests to the men. I've seen so many movies which have only one female character. And that one female is usually extremely beautiful, over-sexualized, and completely lacking in anything like a real personality.

Come on! Real women are beautiful (in individual ways), but there's much more to than us than our faces and our bodies. We have personalities too!

It's funny, though, because I find it difficult to break outside of the stereotypes in spite of my strong convictions. I KNOW that we women are interesting and have depth. Sometimes we're mean and sometimes we're nice. Every woman is an individual with unique preferences, habits, and ideas. It should not be so hard for me.

The two characters that I'm developing right now come across as so shallow and frivolous, and that's not my intention at all! I want them to be normal nineteen-year-old girls who try to look good, (with a sense of style in their clothes and jewelry, etc.) who are crushing on boys, but who also work hard at their jobs and who react to things in characteristic ways. Despite my best efforts to create depth, these girls just seem so FLUFFY!

How do I write female characters that are real, deep, and still stylish and beautiful?

Later on in my book, I'm putting in a girl who's a bit more like me- quiet, geeky, and none too concerned with physical appearance. Maybe a girl like that will be easier to create.

It's officially not fun being a grown-up!

2010-04-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was an exciting day....! (The word exciting usually has a positive connotation, so maybe I should say that it was eventful instead.) I had to do one of those lovely adult-type things: taxes.

But before that, I finally got to see an eye doctor and get a trial pair of contacts! That's good, because it means that sight has returned to my eyes after a week of perpetual blurriness. The entire last week, I was constantly getting a headache from trying to read things and figure out what I was looking at. And Paul wasn't happy to have to drive me everywhere since driving was completely out of the question for me.

As soon as my vision was restored, I could see how nasty the bathroom was becoming, and so I pulled out the Comet and got to work. I'm happy to report that the bathroom is almost ridiculously clean right now! And before I attempted the taxes, I was in quite a happy mood. I got out all of my music books and sang for two hours in the middle of the day. It didn't really feel like wasting time because singing makes me so happy.

But happiness passes so quickly! Having done the taxes the last two years without a hitch, I was thinking it would only take a few minutes, some basic arithmetic, and I would be done. I didn't realize that being self-employed takes the process to a whole new nightmarish level. There are forms, forms, forms and more forms. There are things I was supposed to keep track of that I didn't know I was supposed to keep track. I was wading through endless paperwork and calculations and kicking myself for not keeping better records.

I suspect that I may have made a mistake somewhere, but I couldn't figure out where. I finally just decided that if I did my best, at least the taxes would be in on time.

So, yeah. It's officially not fun being a grown-up.....

I've gone blind....!

2010-04-14T09:53:00.001-07:00

So I would love to post some pictures, but our camera is lost. Yes, the memory card is inside it, preventing me from being able to retrieve pictures from it.

Alas.

I'm also having difficulty typing because my glasses are broken, and I have to lean awfully close to the computer screen just to read the words. Yesterday I spent a long time trying to type an article without being able to see the words as I was going along. It's not the most efficient way to get things done.

Last week on Thursday, I realized that my glasses were breaking. I could see that they were breaking where the bridge connected to the right side of the frame. When they actually broke on Saturday night, they broke not on the bridge but over on the part that holds the lens. On Sunday, some people from our ward tried to fix them, but they were broken in such a way as to make them impossible to repair.

Unfortunately, I have no other glasses or contacts and I was unable to get in to see an eye doctor until Thursday of this week. It has been a long few days. You never realize how much you depend on your glasses and contacts until you don't have any. There are so many basic things you just can't do without being able to see.

I keep getting a headache because I still have to do things like go to school and write articles. I hope that tomorrow when I go to the eye doctor I can get a trial pair of contacts so that I don't have to wait another week or two for a pair of glasses.

Isn't life fun?

My sister Sheridan and her sacrifice for me.

2010-03-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

Today is March 31, and that's the day my little sister Sheridan was born. She died at the age of six months, but had she lived she would be sixteen years old today! It's so strange to imagine what she might be like. It seems awfully sad that she should have been robbed of life at so young an age.

I was eight when she died, and I have long thought that the experiences I had then forever changed me so that my life would never be the same again. Certainly, I knew sadness, but I also learned to feel the Spirit of the Lord and a deep sense of peace. A firm foundation was laid upon which I could build my faith of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

When I was growing up, my dad didn't go to church. He occasionally went for a few weeks at a time, but he was basically inactive. He wouldn't support my mom in trying to teach us the gospel. He wouldn't participate in family home evenings or pray with the family most of the time. My parents had not married in the temple, and I admit that I had a certain feeling of misery whenever I heard people talking about the temple at church. I thought, "Sure, the temple is great for people who are actually sealed together. But that's not my family."

But then Sheridan came along and everything changed. She was born early and sick. She had heart defects and other problems that kept her in the hospital for much of her life. She had a powerful, determined spirit. Her life was almost continual suffering and my parents realized that she was probably not going to live for very long. This had a powerful effect on all of us, but on my dad most of all.

Dad and Sheridan had a unique connection. She couldn't see very well and yet she always knew when he came in the room. She turned her head and became excited, and everyone knew that she loved him deeply. He was so sad to see her suffer, and he could not bear the thought of her dying and being separated from him for all eternity. He started to change his life. He became active in the Church and making whatever other changes he needed to make.

He believed in the LDS doctrine of eternal families, and suddenly he realized that it was worth the to effort to achieve. All of us turned our thoughts to the temple, and we decided to go as a family so that we could be sealed with our sweet little baby.

And we were in, August of 1994. In October of that same year, Sheridan died.

We believe that all of us lived with God before this life and that we come to earth because we want to. Every primary child knows this, and so I wondered why my sister would want to come to earth to live such a short life of great suffering and then die. It was her choice to do so. I realized that she came because she loved us. Plain and simple, she loved my family, my dad most of all, and she wanted us to have the blessings of the temple. She was willing to do whatever it would take to help us to change our lives. The act of coming to our family in the conditions in which she came gave us the opportunity to turn to God.

I was reading yesterday in Alma chapter 7 of the Book of Mormon. It talks about the life and suffering of Jesus Christ. It says that Christ wanted to have a mortal life so that he would know how to take care of us-- he would know from his own experience. I believe that he knew, just like my sister, that he was going to have a hard life. He knew that he would suffer tremendously, and he loved us so much that the sacrifice of his own life seemed worthwhile to him.

Probably one of the greatest gifts that my sister gave to me was this understanding- that a person could give their life for others. Sheridan said to herself, "This is going to be hard, but just think of how they will all grow because of me. They will be sealed in the temple for eternity and live righteously for the rest of their lives if I do this. My suffering doesn't matter very much to me."

And so she's like the Savior who looks at each us with boundless love and says, "My suffering for you was worthwhile because of the person I know you can become."

How badly do I want it?

2010-03-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to download a picture onto this post, but I guess it is just not going to work right now. Oh, well! My picture-hungry readers will have to settle for a little text for once. :)

Paul and I went to a walking park area yesterday to get a little exercise. It's a little loop near the hospital, and I think it's for the patients. It was a nice little place with a lot of trees and I think it will be quite cool and shady in the summer.

As we were walking, Paul and I kept getting passed by this skinny little woman who was running around and around the path at quite an impressive pace. She was so fit, and I said, "I would like to a small healthy person."

Paul gave me a skeptical look and said, "You don't want it very badly."

I felt slightly hurt by this response, but I started thinking about it as we were walking. His implication was that I don't put forth the effort that would be required. I don't, say, go running every day, and I certainly don't turn away from delicious unhealthy foods. Although I generally control my blood sugar, I don't make a huge effort to lose weight or improve my health.

Hm. I realize that I may never be a small person, but I know that I can do more for my health. I have decided to put a greater focus on health than I have in the past. I don't really have a right to complain about health problems if I don't take care of my health, now do I?

Grow baby, grow.

2010-03-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

So we've started a garden inside. I bought soil, seeds, and Styrofoam cups. They all sprouted more than a week sooner than their packages said they would. When I tried to do this in Utah, most of my seeds never sprouted and those that did died within three or four days. I am already having much more success this time than I did before.

Soon I will have to transfer them all to a bigger deeper container or they will rub out of space and start to die. Maybe I was a bit optimistic. I sprinkled many seeds freely rather than placing them a reasonable distance apart. They will have to be transplanted sooner than I expected.

Here are some of my beet sprouts that have started to die already! I really think I just put way too many seeds into the cup. But this is what I figure. Even if all of my sprouts die, they will leave nutrients in the soil that will make it more suitable for my next planting.

We don't actually have a garden spot, but we do have a tiny cement area on which I plan to put several buckets of soil. This will be an ideal setup anyway because it will give us the option to bring some of the plants inside if a frost comes along. Some plants do just fine with a frost, but others will be killed.

Paul and I have been talking about self-sufficiency and being prepared for anything that life could throw at us. We want to grow as much food as we can in our little bucket garden, and we want to learn to preserve vegetables that we don't use quickly. Of course it's a lot of work, but I've been told that this is the part of the country where everything grows easily. Supposedly, you put seeds in the ground and they will just do their thing. Too bad it's not that easy in Utah.

Silly times at the Denver Zoo.

2010-03-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

So last week was our spring break. We stayed home and lounged for half of the week, and then on Thursday, we took a trip to Denver. We originally hoped to see my family that weekend. I invited my parents to come there (It's about the halfway point between Hays and Vernal.) but a beloved old friend from my mom's ward passed away and her funeral was on Saturday.

Since my family wasn't able to come, we made plans to do our own thing in Denver with just the two of us. Paul wanted to go to as many restaurants as possible, since he's obsessed with food. We both wanted to go to the temple, and the zoo.

These are some of the pictures we took at the Denver Zoo. It was pretty fun, and we some unique things. Obviously, we were very silly, too.

They had a lot of displays of skulls or paw sizes. This is a lion skull with my hand for comparison. Imagine having those teeth sink into your flesh...!

I'm kind of proud of this action shot. I can't remember which species of penguin these are, but they are the kind that frequent the western shores of South America. They're beautiful swimmers.

This turtle rose right to the surface when Paul stepped up. It lifted it's head and looked at him so seriously. He said, "Hi." I loved it.

This was probably the funniest thing that happened. We spent 45 minutes or so watching these two male gorillas in their enclosure. They must have thought Paul was another gorilla, maybe because he was wearing a black shirt and has those broad shoulders. The gorillas were highly agitated, displaying for him and running up to slam the glass where ever he was sitting. I tried to get several shots of their behavior, but this was the only really good one that I got. I'm glad that this glass is gorilla-proof.

Here's a pretty little arctic fox.

This tiger is separated from the people a huge gulf, probably at least thirty feet deep and thirty feet wide. I'm assuming that's because tiger's are good jumpers, and the people must be kept safe.

There was an aquarium section at this zoo, but it was hard to get good pictures. These are anemones. There were a lot of clown fish in there too, just like Nemo.

You can see that I'm completely fearless when it comes to the predators. I went right into the lion's den and put my arm around him. We're tight. :)

The Beauty of the Earth!

2010-03-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

So, this is a little stream/river (I'm not sure which, actually) that cuts across the FHSU campus and winds out through this little park. A few days ago, we had a very warm day, and so we headed to the park for some sun and exercise. We took this really exaggerated pictures crossing the stream just for fun. I thought these stepping stones were really cool.

Some random pictures of us by the water...

I'm happy to report that green has started to appear in the fields around here. Little shoots of green grass are pushing out between all the dead yellow stuff. The world is slowly coming to life, and I just love Kansas! It's beautiful and I want to see spring here in full bloom!

I have thought much about the blessings of my life. I have been given so much, and I want to give to others in helpful and meaningful ways. I have realized that my own blessings are not really for me; they're for everyone else in my life. I have endless opportunity to show love, kindness, and charity for others. I've been thinking about how worthless a life would be that blessed no one else. Selfishness and self-centered thoughts are completely pointless. Nothing comes from thinking about myself only. But much can come from thinking of others and spreading the joy I have felt.

Just look at the beautiful earth! It is God's, of course, but he made it for us. We can wander in gorgeous woodlands and climb mountains and picnic in the desert- all because the earth has been given to us. I want to be like my god and give beauty to others just because I can!

Fuzzy little babies.

2010-03-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, we went to the farm of some of friends from the ward (the Hyatt's). It is so wonderful to have friends! They have a bunch of farm animals and they recently had a goat give birth to these two little babies. They're so cute! I'm putting goats into my novel, and so I wanted to spend some time with the goats. Basically yesterday I was introduced to some of the ways of goats, but in the future I will spend more time just watching them run around and play with each other. They're so fun! I saw these kids only a week ago, and they have grown significantly in that time.

I would write more, but I must get to Spanish class.

The wind, the sun, and gray grass.

2010-03-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

Winter here is all gray-yellow. I took this picture when I was out for a walk, and I was surprised by how colorless it turned out! I have always liked the way that winter grass looks, and I remember trying to explain it to my friend in Virginia. In the south eastern climate, the grass never quite looks like this, and it was hard for her to imagine. (There, the grass stays green, although it is a paler more dead-looking green in the winter.)

I've learned that people around here (at least the students) don't spend time in the outdoors. They don't hike or picnic. The very concept of picnicking is strange to them. How bizarre is that? It seems like in Utah people live to be outside, whether it is climbing mountains or exploring the desert or swimming in the reservoirs or even simple gardening and yard care. Most people picnic at least a couple times in a year, even if it is just at the closest park.

But I suppose there are two factors to consider here: the wind and the sun. The flat land of Kansas offers little protection from either. So if your face is not being blown off, you are going to get roasted by the sun... but that's what sunscreen and hoodies are for!

Nourished with great soup.

2010-03-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

As you might have guess from these pictures, we made a soup on the weekend. It was one of our best soups ever! It included some bell peppers, tomatoes, kale, Brussels sprouts, yellow onion, red potato, criminy mushrooms, leek, celery, and green onion. Oh, and I forgot to mention fresh basil. I'm starting to get a feel for the different spices and I'm becoming a huge fan of sage.

We're trying to make our health a high priority now, and making delicious healthy food helps a lot. I'm learning to be grateful for my body and to love it. For many years, I would not have thought it was possible to love my body. But, you know, it's the only one I have. It serves me well enough when I nourish it and take care of it properly.

And Paul helps me a lot. One day I was meeting him at the library and he saw me walking toward him. He smiled at me and said, "I love the shape of you." For some reason, I just need him to tell me that, to tell me that I look good to him. Really, that's all it takes to make me start believing that I need to be grateful for the body that I have. It is pretty lame that society tells us to hate our bodies. What good could that possibly do us?

Life from life in cold Kansas.

2010-02-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

So I went for a walk and decided to take some pictures of my miserable wind-swept state. It's funny because my face doesn't even look red in the pictures... I guarantee it was! I swear, I don't even LOOK cold...!

Notice the conspicuous absence of mountains in the background. I am starting to get used to that, although I sometimes look around expecting to see mountains on the horizon. The thing you start to notice is the sky itself. It's so big here, and sometimes you can just stand and get swallowed up in it's immensity. It really is incredibly beautiful.

On a different note, in my biology class, we have finally gotten to genetics. It's my favorite biological stuff, and I just love learning about it. In a weird way, it's like I AM my parents, in part, and I am also my grandparents and great grandparents... and on and on. It's because life has to come from life, and so my life is literally a branch off of my parent's lives. And it makes me wonder about my ancestors (some who lived near here in Kansas, incidentally) and if they are aware of me. Their lives go on, through me. What would they think of me?

Why is it hard to change?

2010-02-25T11:45:00.000-08:00

It's the second day of the chocolate fast, and I am doing okay. Yesterday we were at Wal-mart and I was looking longingly at the doughnuts in the bakery area. I was thinking, "There are some with white frosting, and some with maple frosting, and some with strawberry frosting... as long as I don't get any chocolate ones..." But then I figured that replacing chocolate with doughnuts would actually be worse for my health than just sticking with chocolate. (Because doughnuts are packed with ridiculous amounts of refined sugar and baked with refined flour, and topped with sugary sticky frosting...!) So I had to refrain from buying a replacement form of sugar.

I've been victorious in one battle so far!

It's not easy to change. I'm trying to improve my life in other ways too. I have this job writing articles, but I've barely made any money doing it. I mean, I've had all kinds of valid excuses for not getting much done, but it's time to start succeeding! I have a hard time working consistently day after day, and this is what I'm trying to teach myself to do. It's funny how hard it is for me to simply get to work each day. But if I can go without chocolate and say no to doughnuts, I'm sure that I can sit down and write for two or three hours tonight.

Will power is my friend.

Day 1 of the chocolate fast.

2010-02-24T09:36:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I don't have the pictures yet because I slept in late today and didn't bring my jump drive to school with me. The internet connection is so weak at my house that I can't upload pictures to Blogger there even though I can write posts.

Anyway, I'm going on a chocolate fast. Why? I was inspired by House. We have been getting episodes of House from Netflix. It's about this amazing doctor (named House) who has an addiction to pain medication. Okay, so House is also a jerk who treats everyone like crap, but he's so good at diagnosing diseases that he's invaluable to his hospital. In the episodes we've been watching, House is getting into trouble with the law because of his addiction, and he always insists that it's because he's in pain. (He has a dead muscle in his leg.) The thing is, he really seems to need the medicine for more than just the pain. He needs it emotionally.

So Paul and I were talking about the Word of Wisdom that many LDS people follow. Basically we don't drink alcohol, coffee, or tea. We don't smoke cigarettes, and I think we're also generally not supposed to get addicted to drugs of any kind. Our leaders tell us that addictions of any kind make us slaves.

And so I figured, you know, there is something I need emotionally that I don't necessarily need physically. In fact, chocolate isn't great for a diabetic, in any case. I love it, I eat it all the time, and I want to determine if it is an addiction.

So I'm going on a chocolate fast! I'm going to see if I can go an entire week without touching a piece of chocolate. Seriously, I want it to be something I can enjoy every now and then, not something I must have every day.

We'll see how this goes.

It's all about the scarf.

2010-02-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

I cannot handle the wind here in Kansas! I mean, it is so cold it practically freezes your face off the second you step out the door. If you're one of those people who likes to have nice hair, don't even bother coming into this state. Your perfect hair will be ruined before you can pull up the hood of your coat.

(It's nice to finally have an excuse, though, for my *ahem* "naturally flowing" hair. In the past, I always had to admit that I was simply too lazy to do it.)

This is the first time in my life, with the possible exception of ice fishing trips, that I have ever voluntarily worn a scarf. Now I find my scarf as essential as my shoes! I wouldn't dream of going out without it. I swear, this cold wind could kill me!

Anyway, I figure it's time to start blogging every day now that I finally got myself a working computer of my own. (Yay for $300 Netbooks!) I intend to start posting pictures with most of my posts as well to keep it interesting. I figure, "Hey, I've got a camera, people like pictures... I can bribe them to come to my blog!"

Hope it works. :)

I have GOT to get my own computer!!!!!!!!

2010-02-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

We went outside to go to school this morning and it appeared that our car was covered in droplets of water. They looked like nice little droplets you could just rub off with your hand... but it was an illusion! The droplets were all frozen solid and they wouldn't come off with the windshield wipers. Fortunately, a few minutes of the car's heat melted them so that they could be scraped off.

I've heard the locals talk about ice storms, and I hear that they're much worse. Supposedly, ice will cover your car completely so that you can't even open the doors, and it's so thick that you can't chip it off with an ice scraper...!

But for today, we made it to school just fine. I have just a few minutes before my first class right now to update my blog.

I don't post very much on this blog because I'm trying desperately to hold onto my article writing job. With our computer not working, we have checked out school computers several times to work on. But even when I have one of the school computers, I still can't count on them to actually work. Most of the time the internet won't work at our house, so I can't write my articles from fresh research, and even when I complete several of them, I usually have to wait until the internet works before I can send them. On those rare occasions when I actually have internet access, I usually only just have time to pull up some research for my articles. A Facebook posting is a rarity.

So I've been thinking that it's utterly ridiculous for me to be an independently contracted writer if I don't have a working computer of my own-- and I mean MY OWN. Even the necessity of sharing with Paul chafes me because he seems to do nothing anymore but write papers for his classes. And that's a really stupid competition, him needing the computer for his grad school work and me needing it for my job. How can one of us say, "Mine's More Important!!!!"

Anyway, I'm getting my own computer ASAP. I just don't know what kind to get. I go online (in brief lapses between research, mind you) and look at different beefed-up laptops. It's all mumbo jumbo to me, though. I have no clue about operating systems, memory, WLAN, or almost anything else associated with computers. Somebody help me please!

Cyrus, Ryan, and poor little Nathaniel.

2010-02-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, we were at Walmart picking up necessities and Paul decided that it was time for us to get some pets. I think he has been missing our pseudo-pet lizard Ferdinand that we, of course, left behind in Georgia. (He loved to bask in our window sill on warm afternoons, but he was technically a wild animal.)

So we invested in a fish bowl, gravel, some fake water plants, and three tiny goldfish. Because they were so little and so cute, I said we had to name them after our three nephews: Cyrus, Ryan, and Nathaniel.

For two days they swam around happily and then Nathaniel suddenly died! It was sad. He was floating limply near the surface when we came home from school.

Ryan and Cyrus are still happily darting around their bowl, and I really hope that neither of them dies any time soon. We can't get another fish until mid-summer when our next nephew will be born. His name will be Benjamin, and when he's born we'll get another fish to name after him, I think. It just seems wrong to name another fish Nathaniel. He was only part of the family for a short time, but it's not like he can be replaced...!

Disturbed

2010-01-28T09:56:00.000-08:00

I was at home writing my articles two days ago, but I heard someone crying outside my door. Not that I'm a heartless person, but I was really trying to get my work done and I just ignored it and kept writing. The crying continued and then there were sirens and finally I stepped outside to see what was going on.

Several police officers were running around and a woman was sitting by our neighbor's door. She was crying out loud and seemed quite distraught.

After a few moments, I was able find out that our neighbor Dave was dead. This woman had found his body, and he had probably been dead for a day or two in his apartment. Eventually, I overheard a medical person speculating that the man had died of low blood sugar because of his diabetes.

Dave was a nice neighbor. He let us borrow a hammer twice and let us use his microwave to pop popcorn. On sunny days, he would sit outside his apartment and chat with us as we were coming and going from our house. We had only known him a couple of weeks, but we were starting to become friends with him.

I was disturbed by his death. Not only was it sudden and shocking, but I also couldn't help thinking about his body just a few feet away in the next apartment. What if he hadn't been found until we reported a bad smell to our landlady....!

It's crazy how easily people can die. One day you know them and the next... they're gone.

Perspective of a Year.

2010-01-20T14:36:00.000-08:00

After my first full Wednesday (the day that's longer than the rest because it includes my biology lab) I'm feeling tired but pleased. My classes are not too difficult and I should be able to get pretty good grades this semester.

Yesterday I pulled out my journal and started to write for the first time in several months. Because I barely wrote at all last year, I spent quite a while summarizing my entire 2009, and it was an interesting thing to do. Writing about an entire year in one go gives you such a sense of perspective! It's like writing the timeline for a novel-- I know that things are going to get worse before they get better, and I know that things will actually work out when I'm in my darkest moments. When I was writing about my trials, I kept thinking, "It was bad, but then I was blessed. Hang in there!" It was an interesting exercise, and I recommend it for people who are not normally journal-writers.

Journal-writing is valuable on a daily basis because it keeps the record so immediate. But while you're right in the middle of things, sometimes your view is limited too much to recognize your own growth. You can't see clearly what you're actually experiencing.

But after a year when you can stop and look back, life looks different than it did then.

It's kind of cool.

"Because I Have Been Given Much"

2010-01-18T16:33:00.000-08:00

As a quick note here: we met some wonderful people at church yesterday who happened to have a lot of extra furniture just sitting in storage, and we were given some today to fill up our previously empty house! We now have a couch, a table with three chairs, and a bed with box springs! Now our house is starting to look like someone actually lives here. I'm actually writing this blog at our table.

I still have to write a bunch of articles tonight and Paul has to write a paper... so I cannot spare more time for this post. It's nice to be here.

An account of my homeless month.

2010-01-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

So I've finally gotten back to the blog!

It's like walking away from a novel and then deciding I just have to get back to my writing again. I mean, sure, I have all sorts of good excuses for not writing for over a month (driving 3000 miles across the country, visiting Paul's family in California and my family in Utah, moving into our new apartment, and dealing with the endless bureaucratic mumbo jumbo of transferring to a new school, etc.) but the fact is that I wanted to have something to say before I started writing, and I just couldn't bring myself to sit down until I could think of something to say.

I'm sure this is one of my chief problems as a writer. It's like I want it to be fantastic whenever I put a pen to paper (metaphorically here). I want the words to be brilliant, to reflect the genius I know is in there somewhere, and really I just want to be impressive.

But let's throw "impressive" out the door right now. Really, it's ridiculous. Writing is quite simply work, especially for me now that I'm trying to establish myself as a free lancer. I'm sure I'll have something to say many times in the future, so now I'll just report about my life in whatever prose come rolling out of me.

It was nice to visit family. Our parents love us so much, and I loved being able to spend time with them. I loved seeing my rapidly-growing nephews and bonding with my sisters (encompassing Sara and all the many sister-in-laws). I've decided that having sisters is one of the best and sweetest things in life. They really are a gift from God!

It was also fun visiting friends. We got to visit our old landlord Lance in Laguna Beach. It was beautiful to stand looking at the sun set over the ocean while we caught up with him about our lives. When we were passing through St. George, my friend Melanie called and said she was in Salt Lake on her way down to Cedar City. We met in the middle in Fillmore at an Arby's and I loved, loved, loved seeing her!

We spent one day in Provo and were able to visit some of our dear friends there, the Camaras and the Heftels. All of their kids have grown impressively since August. It's exciting to see, but I'm ambivalent about the whole thing. Kids grow too fast!

Which reminds me, of course. We also had fun staying with friends on the way from Georgia to California. The Royles took care of us when we were sick and we stopped in Alabama to visit my cousin Charsty. We hadn't seen each other in years, so it was a wonderful time and I was persuaded to stay another day at her house. Paul got along great with her husband and their little girl Akira was one of the most amazing children I have had the pleasure to meet. Charsty was two weeks from having a baby and I've just been looking at pictures of little Aurora on Facebook. I guess that means the birth went well! The Galbraiths were wonderful in Missouri, although we only got to see two of their boys. In Denver we stayed with Lindsay and Nick again, and I was happy to have some time to talk with them. Then we spent one night in Sigurd, Utah with Paul's great Aunt and Uncle on their farm.

This post is long enough already, but I did want to mention a couple of highlights. In California, Paul's brother Jonathon and his wife Candice took us to see Avatar, and it became one of my favorite movies! In Vernal, my parents gave Paul a board game called Ticket to Ride and we played that game quite a bit. Mom loved it especially! We also got to go ice fishing with my mom and dad, which was awesome.

So considering that it was a "homeless" month, it was not bad at all. People are the most important things we have in life and being able to build relationships is really the great task of life, I think. Writing about all these people who I love so much makes me want to be a better friend to them all.

I'm so happy to be here in Kansas, and I feel like this is going to be a good place for us!

Newnan, Georgia.

2009-12-13T10:57:00.001-08:00

So we're in Newnan, Georgia. It's just south of Atlanta, and we drove here from Augusta yesterday. We ended up leaving Augusta late because it took so long to actually get all of our stuff out of the house. I swear, it is so EXHAUSTING to move. I have never done anything else that has made me as exhausted in my life. Oh, I'm glad that it's over and we're on the road.

We drove here to Newnan to stay with the Royles. Mary and Scott and their daughter Summer are so nice! Paul had a fever most of the day, and he did when we arrived he was burning up. Mary made Paul eat a spoon full of freshly-chopped garlic and wash it down with a huge glass of water. I have to hand it to her, he does feel a lot better today.

Sorry this is so brief, but we must be on our way again, this time to Madison, Alabama to visit my cousin Charsty.

Happy sneeze-day to me...

2009-12-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

I always think I'm so funny. For my Facebook status, I put a reference to 24, and I am so curious to see who will understand it and who will ask me hilarious questions about what I mean. I crack myself up sometimes!

Anyway, we FINALLY sold the contract, some people put down a deposit, and we're supposed to be ready to leave tomorrow. I say supposed to because I'm not fully better yet from my sickness, and Paul has come down hard with it, too. Last night, he had a fever for hours, and today he's not feeling great at all. Between the two of us, we haven't managed to get very much done. I have to hand it to him, though. Today he did the nasty job of cleaning out the car even though he was coughing like crazy and it was freezing cold outside. At least I was working in the warm kitchen!

The good news is that I feel quite a bit better today than I did yesterday, and I've been in good spirits all day. I have to say, it's a strange birthday, though. No one has called me, and Paul didn't even remember until I reminded him this morning. It's like it's not real. I suppose when you grow up, that's the way birthdays usually are. Nobody cares about them unless you remind them. You have to say, "Come to my birthday party! I'm special, and you need to come show me that you love me by giving me gifts!"

Speaking of gifts, my friend Emilee brought me a care package because I'm sick. It had nice soft tissues, chicken noodle soup, chap stick, vitamin C drops, and a mug with hot cocoa mix and hot apple cider mix. It was such a nice thing to do! I will really miss Emilee.

That's the depressing thing about hopping around the country like this. When you leave a place, you always have to leave people. It's so sad! Why can't everyone that I love just come with me where ever I move? It can be like a caravan!

That's how I think it should it be.

I'm sick.

2009-12-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

Oh, man. I've really come down with something this time! I was getting a sore throat last night, and I took NyQuil in hopes of getting some sleep. Well, I slept, but I was so sluggish and miserable this morning from the drug-induced sleep. I'm so tired.

We haven't had any luck, yet, selling our contract. People seem to be too turned off by the neighborhood. I'm starting to develop a contingency plan of what to do when Saturday comes and we haven't managed to sell it yet. (Cry, become a begger on the street, etc.) I'm so frustrated, and I wish people weren't so obsessed with appearances. It really seems to be less about being safe and more about living in a place that looks good.

I hated being in bed most of the day when there is so much I should be doing, but I was just too sick. I spent several hours in a half-doze, slipping in and out of bizarre dreams. Thirty second dreams are the weirdest- there's usually an image, some significant idea, and not much else.

Ugh. I'm like one of those toddlers that makes you cringe- nose running out of control with no mother paying attention, who incidentally needs a good nap.

I think it's time for bed.

Time to get a gun.

2009-12-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

This is one of those days that makes life feel too long. I need to write several articles and study for my final at 3:30, and there are about ten other things I need to do in preparation of moving on Satuday... but I have a sore throat, and I feel all stupid and lethargic. It's like my thoughts are on "extra slow" mode right now. I'm so sleepy!

We're still looking for someone to take our contract. The pressure is really on since we're leaving this week. Paul had this creepy email from someone responding to the Craigslist ad. They said something like, "Don't be alarmed, but I came to your house to watch you. I'm interested in you, and you should come to this website." We were wondering if someone really has been watching us or if the person is some kind of prostitute...! It's not like we have actually posted our address online. But someone could have found it, if they were willing to take the time to wander around and look at every house.

Maybe it really is time for me to get a gun. Anyone who comes too close to me will regret it!!!!!! I'm terrible at aiming, but that's not much of an issue if someone is just a couple of feet away.

Well, I guess I'll spend the next hour studying for my final. I'll be so happy when it's over and I can go collapse somewhere.

Carbohyrates are your friend.

2009-12-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

We've just updated our post on Craigslist and I was thinking it might be a good idea to include bribery and/or a plea. "We'll make you cookies and serve you sandwiches and give you a massage if you'll take over our contract. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're BEGGING YOU!"

It's important that we sell the contract if we're going to have any money for visiting our families for Christmas. Otherwise, there won't be any money for driving. I'm sure someone will take it, but it is stressful waiting around for people we don't know and hoping they like the house once they've seen it. It gets old.

But I decided we have to use up all the food in the house before we move, including two big bags of flour (one white and one wheat). I just went hunting for simple recipes online and found two bread recipes, two roll recipes, and two brownie recipes. I figure it I make all six of the recipes, most of the flour should get used up. The downside is that massive amounts of carbohydrates would be floating around the house, tempting me every second of the day to overindulge.... Funny, but it just sounds like even MORE of a good idea when I put it that way. I happen to love carbohydrates-- they make me feel all energized and stuff.

Maybe I can find some biscuit recipes...

Heated ceramic explodes. Now I have proof.

2009-12-03T17:43:00.001-08:00

I ran out of my medicine last night and didn't make it to the pharmacy until late this morning to get a refill. Consequently, I missed my morning dose and had a blood sugar spike after breakfast. It has been a long time since I have had one, and the feeling was so strange. My mind fell into this weird haze and I kept getting distracted from what I was trying to think about. Eventually I went for a walk to bring it down.

While I was on my walk, I ran into two black young men, and one of them was so friendly to me. I thought he was really nice, but his accent was so strong that I couldn't understand a word he was saying. It probably didn't help that my blood sugar was still high...! But I really couldn't understand him! I could tell he was asking me a question, but he got tired of trying to make conversation when my only reaction was to stare at him and say, "What!?" over and over again. It was kind of ridiculous and I eventually said, "Have a good day," and walked off. He probably thought I was mentally challenged or perhaps from a foreign country. (The South might as well be a foreign country, I tell you. I don't know if I can call what they speak down here English.)

When I got home, the house was cold and I decided to turn on the oven to heat it up a little. All the dials on our stove look the same and I accidentally turned one of the wrong ones....

I was sitting in the next room about five minutes later and heard a crackling sound. Then came a loud pop and the sound of something shattering. I went running into the kitchen to find pieces of an exploded ceramic plate all over the room. One of the burners was red hot and surrounded by the biggest pieces of the plate. I ran to turn off the burner, mystified that heated up ceramic explodes. It was a little frightening to pick up the pieces that had flown all the way across the room. Some of them were about the size of throwing stars and just as sharp.

For the rest of the day, I couldn't help imagining what would have happened had I been standing in the kitchen. I had fun imagining blazing hot ceramic shrapnel embedded in my belly. I suppose I would have called 911, although maybe I could have pulled it out myself. Would they have become burned into the skin?

I know. I'm macabre. :)

Trudging through something thick and nasty...!

2009-12-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

I've spent most of yesterday and today working on my huge anthropology paper. It's basically a compilation of a lot of work I've done over the course of the semester, but honestly it's difficult work. The thing is, my teacher gave me A's on my previous essays and I just can't figure out why. Now that I'm reading through them and tying them all together, I can see that they're horribly organized, horribly written, and not very well thought-out. It's like trudging through something thick and nasty...! I would say they're all C's at very best.

My theory is that the other people in my class must have written essays so abysmally horrific that the teacher had no choice but to use my writing as the "A" standard. Otherwise everyone else would have failed her class! That can be the only explanation for those deceptive A's. There's no way I deserve them.

So what I've been doing all day is going through my essays a paragraph at a time. First I cringe, then look away, and then I try to figure out what I meant to say. Once I've gotten that far, I begin carefully reconstructing and rewording every sentence, sometimes deleting huge passages.

This is no picnic.

I hope that after all this insane work, I'll actually finish by 8 o'clock when the whole thing is due. And maybe the teacher will smile compassionately on my pathetic deluge and give me a passing grade.... (I have NO IDEA if "deluge" can be used in that way, but I'm too exhausted to care!)

Time to dust off the ol' blog...

2009-12-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

So I'm at school and I need to write a huge compilation paper of my ethnography. (That's the field research I did for my anthropology class.) I also have to write as many articles as I can for my new job. But when I sat down at my favorite spot in the computer lab, I thought, "My poor, pathetic blog has just been sitting there collecting dust! I've got to do something about..."

Blogs DO collect dust, you know. With disuse, they sort of get stale and start to stagnate. Like all the swamps around here, they start to smell bad and that makes people leave them as quickly as possible when they're browsing through. Not that I'm some kind of glory hound, but I do like people to read the things I write. I like to know that people are listening to the things I have to say, and they're not likely to do that if I don't keep the blog up to date and change it up a lot. I must let no more dust fall!

Honestly, with trying to figure out how to get the money to move and finishing up the major projects in my classes and taking time to build up my relationships and improve my life, I have hardly had a second to think about the blog. We haven't been able to find someone who wants our house yet, and we're really counting on getting our deposit back if we're going to have any chance of paying one when we move. I've been trying to find out about independent study classes here at ASU so that I can stay enrolled with this school and not have to hassle with transferring in the middle of the school year. FHSU has been monumentally unhelpful with helping me transfer there, and the person "assigned" to answer my questions won't help me at all. So I'd rather stay enrolled with this school if I could, but ASU's website is also monumentally unhelpful. My head spins around and around as I try to figure it all out...!

But this is just how life is. Whatever you try to do, there will be obstacles and anxiety. We always seem to be on the brink of disaster, but things always work out somehow. We've never actually been homeless yet, or died, or been sent to prison for not paying our utility bills. Our phones have only been shut off twice, and one of those times was in error.

Things are always going wrong, but life is good and I am happy. I ought to laugh at my own anxiety and remind myself of all that the Lord and many good people have done for us already. The list is pretty impressive and I'm sure I don't know most of the things on it!

It's not really that hard to say "thanks."

2009-11-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

Paul and I went home for a short time in the middle of the day today, and when we were pulling up to the house, we saw the mail van stop in front of our neighbor's house. The mailman got out and we got to our front gate at about the same time he did. Paul surprised me by exclaiming, "So you're our mailman! We haven't met you yet." He said this warmly and threw out his hand for a shake. The mailman looked up shyly and then smiled, taking Paul's hand. He said, "My name is Armen." Paul said, "Thanks for bringing us our mail!" They shook hands and the man was positively glowing as if someone had just given him a thousand dollars. He gave Paul the mail and went on his way looking pleased.

I was impressed by my husband's kindness to someone he doesn't know and hasn't met before. I wonder if anyone has ever told that mailman thank you. It's strange to think that we never think of thanking people like mailmen. They just do their jobs day after day and we benefit. But I could tell this man's day was improved so much from the simple act. It makes me want to thank people more often.

We tend to do what's easy.

2009-11-14T14:21:00.000-08:00

As Paul and I have been reading through the Uglies series, (We're on the third book.) some interesting themes have been emerging. Scott Westerfeld cleverly skirts all around the issue without ever actually asking the question, "Should people be allowed to make their own choices?" The story practically screams the question, but the characters never ask it directly. It's so brilliantly done, and it has caused me to reflect on the question.

Should people be allowed to make their own choices?

It seems obvious to say, "Well, of course." But when you stop to think about it, there is a sticky issue involved with that answer. If people are allowed to make their own choices, they might make bad choices. History shows the sad reality that people usually DO make bad choices. That's probably because bad choices are usually easier than good choices. It's so much easier to, say, get addicted to the drugs your friends are taking than it is to opt out or find new friends. The choice with the least resistance is the one most people will take.

Consider the Holocaust. We always stare in horrified awe at the Nazi soldiers that carried out their millions of murders and wonder how they could have done it. It's not really so hard to figure out when you see that going along with what the superiors said to do was simply easier than resisting. And now we have a huge bloody stain on our history that proves just what people CAN do with their choices.

But there's another side to all this. Sure, we all have the potential to do terrible things. We can hurt each other, stop each other from progressing, oppress and victimize and kill each other. We can even do these things without feeling bad once we get to a certain point... But every day we can make choices of the other kind. We can be kind to each other. We can give and love and serve each other. We can build each other up and work together.

Strangely, history seems to be lacking in these kinds of stories. We hear occasionally of people like Mother Teresa or Gandhi who have touched many people, but we don't hear much about all the little kindnesses that people have been showing each other since the beginning of time. Why is that?

I've been realizing that we have to have the possibility of making bad choices in order to learn how to make good ones. As terrible as it is to see all the ways that people will destroy themselves and each other, it's necessary for each of them to have choices. I should say each of us. This life-defining struggle that we all endure is so essential if we are to grow, if we are to learn. And when you make yourself into someone wonderful-- it's great to know that you chose to be who you are. No one made you be as you are and no one can choose for you. That's a comforting thought for those of us who are trying.

Equivalent Exchange.

2009-11-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

Paul and I love an anime series called Fullmetal Alchemist, and we watched it a couple of years ago. It has a lot of wonderful complexities and fabulous characters. I like it better than all the day-time television shows we've sampled (Lost, Heroes, 24, The 4400). These alchemists in the story believe in the concept of equivalent exchange. They have the power to take a bunch of loose materials and make them into something-- the idea is that you could rearrange the structure of the materials (if you have them in the correct amounts) and nothing would be lost. Two young boys try to recreate life in this way, and it doesn't quite work out as they expect. As the series progresses, they learn that there is no such thing as equivalent exchange. Everything has to come from somewhere, and no matter what your intentions, you never quite get back in equivalent amounts what you have given. Eventually they learn that even the very power of alchemy that they so cherish comes at the cost of human suffering and death.

I was thinking of Fullmetal Alchemist yesterday when I watched a video in my Anthropology class. It was about the coffee trade. The consumers of coffee the world over have no idea where their coffee comes from or how the retailers that they buy from exploit those who grow the coffee. The peoples of Ethiopia depend completely on the revenues they earn from the coffee they grow. They literally have no other crops and no way to feed themselves except to buy exported foods. They are at the mercy of the global economy and literally starve to death if people don't buy their coffee. The corporate giants who purchase their coffee pay them $0.12 for the same amount of coffee they sell for $320! (You know SOMEBODY'S pocket it getting lined...) These people are so poor, too, that they live 15 people to a tiny one-bedroom house and they can't send their little children to school. The plain facts presented in the film were disturbing and undeniable. They work hard from sunup to sundown without the promise that they will have food the next day. It's exploitation in the extreme.

I'd like to comfort myself by saying that I've never drunk a cup of coffee in my life. While that is true, I know that the story of coffee is just one of so many. In cozy, comfortable modern America, we never stop to wonder where our comforts come from. Who makes my shoes or sews my clothing together? When I buy something for $15, it was probably made in another country by workers being paid just a few cents. I feel like I'm living in the Fullmetal Alchemist world, learning how all the things I enjoy come at a high cost. There really is no such thing as equivalent exchange.

"I'm gonna soak up the sun, gonna tell everyone to lighten up!"

2009-11-09T12:29:00.001-08:00

So... we went to the beach. It was Friday morning and we realized that we will only live in Georgia for just over a month-- and we have yet to see the Atlantic ocean. Paul has seen it before when he lived in Miami, but he wasn't allowed to swim. The entire time I lived in Virginia, I never got to see the ocean, even from a distance. So we went online, found an island off the coast near Savanah, and headed out for a one-night adventure. It was gloriously fun!

When we arrived, it was around 7:00 pm, and the sun had just gone down. We went out to the dark, empty beach and walked along for quite some time, talking and holding hands. The stars were bright overhead and they reflected off the water when it smoothed out between waves. Everything was so quiet except for the sound of the waves, and the water was so warm as it washed over our feet. It was a beautiful night, the kind of experience you can only have once because you just can't recreate perfect circumstances.

In the morning when we went back, the water level had risen considerably so that the entire path that we walked was submerged under several feet of water. Although it is November, the water was quite warm, and the sun was bright. It was so nice. Here are a few pictures.

The one below I took of myself because Paul was not really feeling like taking pictures, and I wanted to document the fact that I was there too.

After we got our fill of sun, we went to a restaurant called The Crab Shack, and it made us feel like we had really gone to the South. We were served ridulously huge portions of crab legs, shrimp with butter, craw fish, and sausage. There was, in fact, almost no carbohydrate to the whole meal. Each plate came with a tiny half-cob of corn. We order some potatoes, and they only gave us about a half-cup. The huge portions of protein were incredibly satisfying, but the lack of carbs made us feel like we hadn't really eaten, even though our stomachs were beyond full.

The seafood was so good and there was so much of it that I kept imagining that we were glutonous royalty, stuffing ourselves with more protein than we could possibly require. I kept imagining a starving child begging us for food. We'd laugh and say, "You should have thought of that before you became peasants!"

The Crab Shack was decked out with all things alligator-- including live alligators that you could feed. They were awesome! This last picture is of Paul posing by a sign they had put up. It made me laugh.

Tybee Island was a cool place, both for its beach and for the cultural experience. I recommend it, although it is kind of expensive. Isn't vacation always pricey, though?

Life out in the mission field.

2009-11-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

We found a phone number online for the LDS ward in Hays, Kansas. When Paul called it, he found out that the ward there has boundaries that are 60 miles by 100 miles! That means I might have to set aside three or four hours and a bunch of gas money to do my visiting teaching...! Holy cow. Luckily for us, the church building is in Hays, so at least we won't have to drive hours to go to our meetings.

It is really strange to live outside of Utah. When we told people in our BYU ward that we were moving here, a lot of them said, "So you're going out into the mission field." I can see what they mean. Since we've lived here, there have been three new member adult baptisms in our ward. It's pretty exciting!

I'm at the school to write a paper, so I really should stop procrastinating now...

Alligators are alive and well in Georgia.

2009-11-02T10:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon, Paul and I went to explore a local park that's right in the middle of Augusta. It was a little hard to find because it isn't marked with any signs, but it was really cool! There's a forest area that reminded me a lot of Virginia where I used to walk with my friends. Once within the canopy, you can barely see the sky and everything takes on a dark and twisted aura. It's a lovely dark and twisted, though, the kind of ambiance that sparks the imagination. You wouldn't think there would be much life there, right in the middle of the city, but we saw the most unthinkable thing... an alligator!

There's this swampy place back in the trees where you can stand on a wooden platform overlooking the stagnant, leaf-strewn water. It's strange because the water is so still that it's almost like glass-- and yet it's surface is riddled with tiny ripples, indicating that something is moving in the water. I'm sure it's mostly frogs, newts, and other amphibious things, as well as the gases from certain chemical reactions. But right when we walked up, Paul spotted an alligator swimming silently through the water. He signaled to me, but I didn't see it until right before it went down under the water to hide. It was kind of long hump that arched up a little and then dipped down before my eyes. It was probably three feet long, although that's hard to say with any accuracy.

I was totally shocked to think that people were running around the park with their toddlers, and I hoped that they realized the danger in the swampy part of the park. Wouldn't that be quite the family memory. Little Joey threw his toy out into the water and then waded out to get it. Suddenly a big shape materialized in the water and there was nothing anyone could do but scream in horror...

What can I say? I lean toward drama. If I was bringing my kids to that particular park, though, they would be a very short leash.

We all need friends.

2009-10-31T17:45:00.001-07:00

So we went up to Columbia yesterday and had some difficulty following our Google Maps directions. We did make it though, and it was so wonderful to go into the temple again after a (seemingly) long absence. It's a pretty marble building, and it's tiny compared to the bigger temples that I'm used to.

I just love going places with Paul! We get in the car, feel all adventurous, and turn on some of our favorite music. After the music gets old, we take turns reading to each other to pass the time. We're steadily progressing through Uglies, and I am all curiosity about how it will end. I keep thinking it cannot end well...

I look forward to moving, although there is some sadness. I've finally made a friend in my ward with one of my visiting teachers. Her name's Emilee and we really have a lot in common. It was hard for me to reach out to someone, but I finally just called her and said, "Hey, let's, you know, hang out." She said sure, and we had a great time making little pizzas and talking.

Making friends is a strange business as an adult. You can't just say, "Will you come play with me?" But even though things work differently in a lot of ways, adult friendship really isn't so different from child friendship. At any age, you essentially have to just decide, "I like this person and I want us to be friends." It's always risky (because you never know if the person will like you back) but we all need friends, no matter what our age.

"I will [write] no more, forever" for these people...

2009-10-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

I've FINALLY heard from my old employers, and it turns out I will get paid for just over half of the posts I wrote in September. That's more than I thought they would pay me for, but the whole situation still makes me angry. I spent way too much time on all that writing for it to count as nothing. Alas, for them I will write NO MORE.

Today Paul and I are headed up to go to the temple in Columbia, South Carolina! We're so excited, since we haven't been to the temple since before we moved. I have really longed for it, and now we get to go! Well, we best be on our way...

Nitty Gritty Characterization

2009-10-29T13:48:00.001-07:00

Paul had a presentation for one of his classes and part of it had to do with the ethical issues surrounding animal research. To make it more light-hearted, he bought a stuffed animal puppy that he would throw to people when they wanted to answer a question. The camera is currently out of batteries, or I could show you a picture of the puppy. It's so cute! A girl in his class named the puppy Aidan.

The funny thing is that I have a peculiar connection with the name. Way back when I was thirteen years old, Aidan was one of my first major characters in a book I was writing with my friend Natalie. I'm sure the book was terrible and all, but I will always remember it with fondness. We had so much fun and we were both completely convinced that we were going to make millions with our writing.

Some of that old excitement has sprung up inside of me these last few weeks. I have been working day and night to go through each and every character in my book. I'm giving them all personality types and temperaments-- and it's a lot of work. The payoff is really huge, although it has been a little funny to see what kinds of characters I tend to write. One young man has been so easy for me to write from the beginning and he just seems real. I realized yesterday that he's just like my brother James! I can write him so well because his reactions, conversations, and preoccupations are filled with the essence of James. Weird! I had no intention of copying my brother, but it simply happened. It's wonderful to be able to write such a natural and intrinsically real character. He might as well be standing in the room with me while I'm writing him!

Characters, essentially, must be people. They must have strengths and many, many weaknesses. I'm trying to breath life into my text by making my characters get hung up over silly things and misunderstand each other because they're not paying attention, and who really try to do the right thing even though they often fail. The phrase "nitty gritty" comes to mind. I want to reveal humans in all their messy reality. That's what really makes a story good.

"Oh my, Toto!"

2009-10-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm at the school again on this illustrious Friday evening. (I wanted to use the word "illustrious" even though it is in no way fitting.) It has been a good day. Because my visiting teachers were coming over, Paul actually helped me clean this morning! Usually I beg him, he says he will, and... he never does. So this was a fabulous turn of events. The house looks better now than it ever has before.

So, it's official. We're going to Hays, Kansas at the end of this semester. How we'll pay for the move and where we'll live are yet to be determined, but we've finally decided with certainty. We're going to that notoriously flat state right in the middle of the country, and that's about all we know about the place. I hear that it has a depressed economy, which should mean pretty low rent. I hope that's true!

The really great thing about living in Kansas will come when we visit our families. We will be able to say very seriously, "We're not in Kansas anymore!"

Symmetrical faces... or not.

2009-10-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

So now that I've got the depressing news out of the way (see below) it's time for some fun. I started reading a book with Paul called Uglies. We're not very far into it, yet. The basic idea is that there is a society that makes everyone "pretty" when they turn 16, and this involves a surgery that makes the face symmetrical, among other changes. The girls in the book spend some time playing with software that will show them possibilities of what they might look like once they're made pretty. It starts by scanning their faces, taking each half and using symmetry to show them two possible faces they could have. Then they can tweak the images to look more "pretty."

Paul found a picture of me (in which I'm not even looking straight at the camera), and tried to do the same thing. The result was freakin' hilarious! I look like I weight 400 pounds! Not to mention that I somehow I have two necks...!!! Here it is... Obviously, he didn't edit it very well.
Here's another that Paul did of his face, and it's mostly silly because of his hair. This one actually manages to look like him.

Now, below is a picture of Paul from before I knew him. He has a pleasant face that isn't very symmetrical.

And below are the two halves of his face made symmetrical. In the first he looks overly-eager and sort of innocent.

In the second, he's a sort of quasi-Gaston brute. The military cut he had at the time doesn't help.

And here I am on our wedding day... Chubby, lovely, and not very symmetrical.

First, we have the right side. This is definitely my skinnier half. I'm not sure what nationality I become. It makes my face look kind of long...

And the left side. This is the fat side, and making it symmetrical makes my face almost square. I think my arched eyebrows also make me slightly evil-looking.

I've seriously been trying not to laugh my head off while I've been posting these pictures. I don't know if anyone else will think they're as funny as I do... I think I prefer us just the way we are.

Wish I could come up with a clever title...

2009-10-17T15:35:00.001-07:00

My days of blogging for pay are now over... I suppose I had it coming. I was following the original directions that were given to me when I was first hired, but apparently, the company decided they wanted something different without letting the bloggers know. Basically, I was writing about a wide variety of health and fitness-related topics and I was supposed to be writing about certain specific topics (such as acne and nothing else on the acne blogs). I had no idea the guidelines had changed, and I've just received an email that severely pissed me off. The bloggers haven't been paid for the September blogs yet, and it turns out that the company only intends to pay us for the posts that relate directly to the narrow topic. For me, that means I might make $100 that month, if I'm lucky. It will probably be less. And I was counting on making quite a bit more money than that. I NEED more money than that. Basically it amounts to several hours that I will not now be paid for.

So I'm quitting. I just sent my letter of resignation... and it was hard to do! I kept thinking in the back of my mind that I should just try to stick it out, but the truth is that I can't be doing work without any assurance that I will be paid. That's just stupid. Maybe I can find something else that will be more dependable...! Who knows.

What do writers do? They write!

2009-10-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

Well, the grades came in on the group presentation, and I did remarkably well. The teacher gave out individual grades to all the group members, and I got 89%! That's fabulous, considering all the frustrating things that went wrong. The other members didn't do so well... Mostly they were hurt by not filling up as much time as they should have. The silly thing about that is that we had a stop watch sitting up on the podium to use, and two of the group members didn't even use it. I was so glad that I did because I know I would have gone well over my time limit. The first time I looked at the timer, it was almost time to stop. I wish they all would have used it so that they could have gotten better grades...!

I'm so relieved to have that over with! It frees up my mind to think about other things for a while. My communications teacher was talking today about how people say they're not good at things and then stop there. "I'm just not good at writing," insist many of his students, and yet they don't take the time to develop their writing abilities. He said it takes time and persistence to be good at things and much hard work. Which brings me to my greatest character flaw...

I tend to do nothing. It is my natural inclination to sit there imagining and dreaming... and doing nothing. I have great IDEAS and plenty of zeal, but such things don't do me any good unless I simply stop dreaming and get to work. So I want to be a writer! That doesn't mean anything. I really have got to make my novel a regular daily priority in my life, or I won't ever finish it. Working on it something for a few minutes every now and then is pathetic and I can never develop my writing skills in such a leisurely fashion! It is time to pull myself up and to BE more than I have been.

After all, a writer is someone who writes, not somehow who thinks about writing.

It's raining cats, dogs, and stupid people.

2009-10-12T10:48:00.001-07:00

I have yet to find out if I still have my blogging job. More than two weeks ago, I was told to hold off on blogging for a week or two while they make changes to the system (or something like that) and in that time I have heard nothing. I've been afraid that I'll lose my job for being so cheeky. I haven't been promoting products very well, and I don't know if that's going to come back to haunt me. I just wish they would let me know either way....!

It is raining insanely right now. I had to do a big group presentation in my speech class, and we were all dripping wet and shivering as we stood up to do our parts. I had planned on wearing something a little nicer and doing my hair, you know, to improve my confidence... but when I saw how hard it was raining, I ditched that idea and just wore something that would be relatively comfortable when wet. The presentation was laughable. It involved a spreadsheet with calculations, and the girl who had typed the spreadsheet had messed up her calculations. Other blunders of the group members I managed to smooth over or explain away, but this was beyond ridiculous.

After the presentation was a period of time set aside for questions, and some students in the class pointed out the errors to us. The calculation errors effectively made the entire presentation moot. After all the trouble I have gone through with this stupid group, I actually just started laughing when the errors were pointed out. They weren't MY errors, but they made us all look like idiots. I laughed and said, "Well, we made some mistakes. I admit that openly." At another point, I said, "Our ignorance about criminal offenses is now being revealed." It seemed hilarious to me that I get to have a bad grade because of the stupidity of other people. What I really wanted to do was point to the girl who had made the spreadsheet and yell, "She's so STUPID that she can't even add up simple numbers, and she INSISTED that she knew more about misdemeanors and felonies than the rest of us! SHE is the reason we now stand before you looking like idiots!"

But I just laughed and resigned myself to the situation. There was not much else to do!

Tonight I get to go play European games for my field study again! It's going to be so much fun. I love, love, love Anthropology!

Everything changes.

2009-10-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

General conference was amazing. I kept thinking to myself, "That was exactly the talk that I needed!" and yet I would say it again and again as the conference went on. I really felt the power of the Spirit as I listened to the Apostles of Jesus Christ.

On a different note.... It's becoming obvious that we're probably going to leave Augusta. My husband is so unhappy in his program and he has the opportunity to transfer to another school in Kansas. It's not official yet, but I think it will happen. I can see that the problem with Paul's program is his lack of control over his own life. He doesn't get to have any say about classes, teachers, times, and there's no system set up to help the graduate students if they need to make changes. They don't have any advisors or advocates; there's no one to go to about issues. Worse for Paul specifically is that he's the only student in his tract. Almost all the students in his classes are in the clinical psych program, and even the four others that are in experimental with Paul are planning on going on to get PhDs in clinical. There's no one for him to talk with about his plans and dreams, and the professors he works under show no interest in him at all. That's completely different than it was at UVU, where Paul developed close personal relationships with his professors. They were strong advocates who were supportive and excited about Paul's career path. He misses the support badly and is beginning to hate his professors here.

Some people might think, "Well, it's graduate school, so it should be hard!" but I beg to differ. I don't care who you are in what position or program, people can be decent and caring. There's no excuse for this program in which the students are left to fend for themselves. Paul's not the only one who's unhappy in the program. Apparently they have a huge drop-out rate that they conventiently keep a secret until people are actually in the program. And it's not because of the advanced nature of study. It's because the professors don't care at all about the students.

And I don't care if we move again at the end of the semester. I don't have any friends here, and I probably won't when December rolls around. Well, sure, I have friends. The old people in my classes are my friends-- Bill and Janice. But they're not the sort of friends you hang out with outside of class. I won't be sad to leave Augusta behind, although Paul and I will both be sad to leave the house behind. I've got to get some pictures of the inside...

Life is change, and then change, and there's nothing wrong with changing plans when you figure out something's not working for you. It can be exhausting, though.

Research rocks....!

2009-10-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

I get to be Paul's guinea pig today. He has equipment that he's going to use for his research and he has to learn to use it on a test subject. The lucky winner is... me! I don't know how it will all work yet, but apparently, he's going hook up wires to my fingers and various places on my head to measure heart rate and signs of physiological stress. He's going to be researching small group communication by measuring test subjects' body signals in different group situations. The idea is to see if it is more stressful to have to come to a consensus or to make a decision by vote. The professor that he's working under suspects that it will be more stressful to have to all agree, but the research will tell.

We had to get a new battery for our car, but it's happily running again. There's this wonderful mechanic that Paul happened upon who is truly salt of the earth. A couple of weeks ago, Paul decided that we could no longer ignore the dead turn signal on the back left. Our left mirror was also hanging by a wire, and the combination wasn't exactly safe. He went in to see this mechanic, and the guy glued on the mirror and replaced the signal light bulb without charging Paul. Then when our car was having problems earlier this week, the same mechanic sent him off to get a new battery without charging him a cent. He could have charged for the glue, the bulb, and the labor, but he didn't. He said to Paul, "Come back when your car has a real problem." The angels are taking notes of people like this.

I wanted to talk, as well, about my own research. I may have mentioned that I'm doing an ethnographic field study. It's so fun! I've been spending time every Monday night with a group of guys who meet in a bookstore to play board games. They're so much fun, and they make me laugh. After each meeting, I write detailed notes about the interactions of the group and my experiences playing games with them. I write the the notes like my journal; for years I cultivated my journal writing to be as accurate and full of detail as possible. (After reading 1984, I wanted to have an accurate record of my life so that I would know what had happened after my memories faded.) My teacher loves my field notes and has asked me think about being an anthropologist. I've been considering it.

I would go into more detail about this group and its individuals, but I have to keep it confidential and not give away any of their identities. They have to sign informed consent forms that promise I won't use their real names or let anyone know who they are. I guess that's how real anthropologists do things. It's pretty fun.

Things get lost, things get broken...

2009-09-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I'm starting to think of this blog like a journal... and so I feel guilty for talking about certain topics and not others, as if topics have feelings. Soon I'll have to talk about my ethnographic field study that I'm doing for my anthropology class, and my sacrament meeting talk from yesterday. I'll get to them.

First off, this morning when we got in the car to go to school, it wouldn't start. When I turned the key, it made a series of clicking noises and nothing happened. I tried again and again... and nothing happened but the clicking. And this on the morning when Paul had to get to school early to finish up a project before class and then he had a huge test later in the day. I also had a big class presentation to get to and I was meeting with a fellow student to help him prepare. (His name is Bill and he's in his seventies. He has a hard time on computers and I was going to help him out.)

There was nothing to do but start calling everyone we know to see if we could get a ride. The list of people we know is short, so I ended up calling Bill to ask him to come pick us up. He agreed, but we had to wait quite a while. Poor Paul ended up missing his entire class, and I don't know how the test went... I ended up not having to do my presentation because one girl in my group was sick and another decided to drop the class. There was no way we could present, so we didn't have to.

Paul has hopes of getting a ride back to the house after his test from a classmate. Then he can call a mechanic to come pick up the car since we can't drive it into a shop. I don't know anything about cars, but I think the starter is broken. Are those expensive? It's the weirdest thing because the car was driving just fine last night.

But I'm stuck at the school all day, and the (other) bad news is that I've lost my jump drive. I haven't seen it since Saturday, so there's a high probability that I left it in the computer lab on accident and someone picked it up. I consider it to be worse than losing the car because the jump drive has my whole novel on it. Yeah, I was stupid enough not to save it in more than one place.... At least it's printed. Now when I do the full edit, I'll also have to retype every word of the first nine chapters!!! That's SIXTY PAGES!

What do you do, though? Things get lost, things get broken, you have endless expenses, and you find some way to be happy anyway. That's life, right?

For your viewing pleasures...

2009-09-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

Now it's time for the low-quality photography I promised. These are the pictures of our house from the outside and one picture in the bedroom. Don't worry- I'll get more now that I know how to get the pictures off the camera.

This is it, the little blue house. notice that it's raised up off the ground. That's a really good thing or we would absolutely infested with bugs and repeatedly flooded with each rain storm. I think it's cute.

Our wide open backyard with the field behind. The backyard is the proud home of several thousand cock roaches and at least a dozen happy squirrels.

The flowering tree in our yard that flowers all year long. I can't remember what it's called.

This is the amazing collapsible furniture that was giving to me by my friend Amy.

Now I have to get back to work. I'll write more later.

Ridiculously huge ants and graduate work loads.

2009-09-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

Just a quick word. I've put links on the sidebar here to all of my blogs. Honestly I mostly did it for selfish (and lazy) reasons. I have to do my work on school computers that are always different, so I don't have the luxury of favorites and bookmarks. I get tired of typing in the URLs every single time, repeatedly, and so I decided to put the links on Chronicles of Jessio so that I can just open up one window and use it to navigate to all the others. I don't really expect anyone to go read them all regularly. They're all basically the same, anyway, so if you've seen one, you've seen them all. I would spice them up, but I don't have any administrative power to change layout or background or even put any interesting links on the side.

As for my life right now... well, there were thousands of ridiculously huge ants swarming our garbage dumpster last night. Apparently the really big ones that are out during the day are just the little sisters to the ones that come out at night...! Seriously, these are the biggest ants I have ever seen. We killed another cock roach in our bathroom two days ago, and ever since I've been on a cleaning rampage, although I haven't seen any more in the house. There's a mysterious phenomenon that involves the cock roaches, and I just can't figure it out. Twice we've found one dying in exactly the same spot right out in the open on the living room floor. Both times, they have been lying on their backs, twitching feebly... How they end up there, we can't say.

Paul has started bringing some of his research articles home so he can get his research in with relative comfort. The amount of stuff he's supposed to be able to do is ridiculous, and I sometimes have to become a taskmaster to see that he keeps on studying when he needs to. Graduate school is no picnic.

Well, I'd love to go on and on about all the fascinating happenings of my existence, but I have work to do. I swear, there's never a time when there's not work to do.

A post in which I capitalize several words for emphasis.

2009-09-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

So I'm not that great with technology. We got a camera and have taken pictures, but I haven't yet figured out how to get the pictures from the memory card, onto my jump drive, and from my jump drive onto my blog. It was so much easier with our old camera....!

Alas.

Somebody has asked me how you all can get to my other blogs to see what I'm writing. Well, you can start by going to http://bestdaycream.com/blog/ because I'm relatively happy about the post I wrote for today. With a regular writing job, it's a little hit and miss. Sometimes the writing is great and you feel so good about yourself, but most of the time you just do it because you have to, fully aware that you CAN write better than this. It's like anything else that involves a nose and a grindstone. After perusing the best day cream blog, if you're JUST DYING for more, I can put links to them all on the side so that you can pop in and read whenever you want. I'm not sure if the general public can leave comments (it might just be a function for other people that work online), but you can try if you want. I would feel so warm and fuzzy if you did!

I'm happy to report that I am FINALLY figuring out how my novel is going to end. I had most of the middle vaguely planned out from the beginning, but I just couldn't figure out how to bring everything together at the end. Last year I went on a rampage and read about ten books on novel writing. Every one of them said you have to have it all figured out from the beginning, along with an outline. But try as hard as I might, the outline thing escapes me. I was writing a chapter three days ago,and suddenly I understood what was going to happen. It all came together so nicely! I am SO finishing this book by the end of the semester!

Do I write for humans?

2009-09-19T16:22:00.001-07:00

I've got about five minutes right now to post something for you. I've just been writing a bunch of posts on my blogs, and it's pretty fun.

When we were in South Carolina, Paul's friend Jay told me that my blogs aren't actually for humans to read. (He's a computer programmer who knows these sorts of things.) He said the entire point of my job was to work in links that would make certain sites come up more often on a Google search.

At first I was pretty depressed about that. I wanted to quit. "If nobody's reading it, what's the point?" I asked myself. But it's actually kind of cool, and I'll explain why.

You see, if I'm writing for people to read, then the sites I'm representing will probably want me to push through certain agendas. They'll want me to, you know, peddle their products and try to make them sound good. But if it's all about numbers and no one from the sites reads them anyway, I feel absolutely no obligation to promote things that I don't believe in. It has kind of been an ethical issue for me from the beginning. I was supposed to build in links for "diet pills" and "weight loss supplements," but I don't believe in them! Most of them are scams that will actually hurt you more than help you, and I felt like I couldn't encourage people to buy them with a clear conscious. Now I'm not worrying about that at all, and I'm just writing it how I really believe it is. I'm no longer afraid to say, "It's pointless to take diet pills if you don't watch your lifestyle." I also talk about how people care too much about what others think-- why else would they invest in wrinkle creams? "What's so wrong with getting old? Why are we so ashamed of wrinkles? Shouldn't we honor the aged?"

I'm not a main stream kind of person, and I think our society has a lot of problems. Now I'm free to write about those problems all I want. This is turning out to be a great job for me after all! And despite what Jay said, I do get the occasional real comment. People like my no-bull-crap way of talking about the issues. They find it refreshing.

I don't like cold feet.

2009-09-18T14:22:00.001-07:00

So we're at the school again for one of our long stretches. We end up here in this computer lab for five or six hours at a time every couple of days. Paul has endless amounts of homework, and I'm writing like crazy. The thing about this lab is that it's really cold, especially on the floor. I swear the floor tiles are like ice. (My friend told me that they heat their floors in Norway- and here, they must chill them.) I like to wear my flip flops because it is one of my only pairs of shoes, but when I do, I always regret it because the floor is so freakin' cold in this room. Today I brought socks with me in my backpack to put on once I got here. It does make it much more pleasant. :)

So I recently had this battle with my employers. I had never been paid for my July blogs, and it was the beginning to September. See, I've never actually met these people in person, and I was starting to wonder if I was actually going to get paid. So I started sending my contact person emails and calling (spaced reasonably a few days apart), and she never responded. So I just quit writing for about a week until I was finally contacted. My contact told me her daughter had had her cell phone and she had been too busy to respond to emails, so... she was sorry. And she forwarded my latest email to the person who is responsible for paying the bloggers. It appears (cross your fingers) than I am going to start getting paid, but I guess we'll see. I started writing again, and now I have to write a TON because they want us to write twice as many posts as before. That makes me feel a little stressed, but hey, it's twice the money too. I can now make enough money to cover our rent and utilities every month and I'll only be spending maybe ten hours a week on my posts. I've decided to see it as an unexpected blessing.

It has turned out to be a really good thing that I'm only in two classes right now. As you can see, I've got plenty of time to do my posts and work on my novel. It's also good because I have come down with some stupid sickness. (Infections are endless with me...!) I wake up in the morning feeling terrible and end up going back to sleep until eleven or twelve. It's been like that every day this week, and for the rest of the day I seem to have endless acid in my stomach. Like always, I just figure this latest one will pass eventually, and I'm trying to get lots of vitamin C and take good care of myself. The only strange thing is that I haven't seen a blood sugar spike, which usually accompanies the beginning of an illness. Even when I feel really yucky, my blood sugar is just sitting there in its normal range. I should count my blessings.

Oh, we finally got a new power cord for our computer, and so we can use it again! It's not functioning at top capacity, and we can't use the Internet at all, but it works! So I wrote sixteen posts today at home that I'm going to now post. Yay for working technology!

121/76

2009-09-17T10:08:00.001-07:00

I've just been to the Student Activities Center to get my free blood pressure screening. I figured since I will probably only see a doctor once a year, (to refill my metformin prescription.) I should take advantage of whatever free medical care the school has to offer. Unfortunately, they don't have a health center here like they did at UVU, but they do have a nursing program. The nursing students were the ones taking everyone's blood pressure today.

Mine was 121/76, which is apparently healthy. I'm really glad it's so good. There's an African American woman in my anthropology class that has Type 2 diabetes as well. Her name is Janice, and she's probably in her fifties or sixties, and she is having quite a hard time. I noticed that she missed several days of class, and I asked her what was happening when she reappeared yesterday. She said she had gotten the flu and had started medication for her high blood pressure. One of those things (or both) caused her blood sugar to spike up into the 400s! That's really scary, and it makes you feel terrible. I felt so bad for her because I remember what blood sugar that high feels like. She had been getting up at 4:00 am to get a good long walk in every day, and still her blood pressure got so high and now her blood sugar is out of control. I swear this diabetes thing can ruin your life!

It's weird for me sometimes to be so young and having the health problems of the elderly. The fortunate thing about my age is that I have a lot more power to keep it under control. My young body reacts dramatically to exercise and functions very well on a good diet. I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to go to school and keep up my writing. My life may not be how I would like it to be in many ways, but at least I'm not as sick as Janice. She's so sweet. How could she deserve to be so sick?

Inevitability.

2009-09-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

Wow. My sister was married on Saturday. Happily, I got to talk to her the night before even though I wasn't able to be there for the wedding. I swear, she was just born! Can she really be old enough to get married!?

I know, I know. I was only two years older than she is when I got married... I guess when the time comes, it just comes. I talked to my dad yesterday, and he said the wedding was beautiful and Sara looked amazing. Hopefully I will get to see the pictures soon!

On a different note... On this lovely Monday morning, I spilled my egg burrito all over my shirt on the way to school. I remember dropping my pizza down the front of my shirt on my first day of seventh grade. I thought then that I would absolutely die of embarrassment, but I have since come to learn that no matter how hard I try, it's going to happen. Barely a day goes by that I don't spill something all over myself, and it seems to happen more frequently with things that will leave a dark red or brown stain. I don't know why I own anything light-colored. When I get new clothes, it's already predetermined that they will become stained, and there's nothing I can do about it...

Thank goodness that people can change!

2009-09-10T16:57:00.001-07:00

Well, we had fun with the Wards. I got to see Jay's three daughters that I haven't seen in years. It's really weird because when I last saw them, they were three, two, and newborn. Now they're six, four (almost five) and two. The girls seemed so tall, so talkative, and grown up. Weird!

It was a strange situation because (without divulging too much information) Jay really screwed up his life in the past, and we had basically given up hope on him. But he has really turned himself around, and I was completely taken off guard that he and his girlfriend, who he lives with, are taking the missionary discussions. We were there when the missionaries came for one of them. He is coming back to full activity in the Church and she is learning about it and slowly gaining a testimony. Her name is Kelly, and I was very impressed with the kind of person that she is. I'll explain more about that in a minute.

I've never actually been there for a missionary discussion before, but it was cool. Kelly was raised to be religious, but in a non-denominational sort of way. She has always read the Bible and she told me that she was so happy to find Christ in the Book of Mormon. I could tell that she was really sincerely searching for truth by the questions she asked the missionaries. It was cool!

But Kelly is cool in other ways too. When we were visiting, we all went to a lake and Jay's girls were there. Kelly acted like they were her own kids, watching them, warning them away from the deep water, calling them back when one of them wandered off. And she gave special attention to the youngest, holding her and whispering to her and encouraging her to be silly and play. (This little girl seems to be scared of everyone and afraid to relax and be a child, so it was nice to see Kelly coax her along.)

These little girls have had a tough life with their parents making all sorts of mistakes, moving them around all the time, and it broke my heart to hear the latest news of their little lives. Apparently their mother has been leaving them with random family members for weeks at a time, disappearing and not explaining or calling. She moved and refused to give anyone the address and changed her phone number so that no one could reach her. Then she stops by unexpectedly, leaves the girls, and may not come back for weeks. These poor kids have almost no security and it's obvious that their mother doesn't take very good care of them. (They don't have beds or toothbrushes, and when their mom drops them off, it's obvious that they haven't been bathed in several days.)

But Jay is sincerely trying to be a father to them and he and Kelly are about to start a legal battle for custody. It's crazy, because in the past it was Jay who didn't care about his kids, and now he is the one with his head on straight. I'm so impressed with Kelly for loving and caring about these children who are not her own. She does everything she can to reach out to the girls, to offer them the love and security they need, and she is determined with an iron resolve to be their advocate. She's completely willing to raise them and take on all of their issues, which is something not many people would be willing to do. I couldn't help but love her and think that she really understands the pure love of Christ. I don't think she'll have too many problems embracing the gospel.

I'm so grateful for the atonement of Christ, which makes it possible for people to change. Paul is so happy to see his friend repenting, growing, and facing the light once more. It was a really good experience for us.

A Weekend with Wards.

2009-09-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hello. I'm currently in Rock Hill, South Carolina. Last night Paul and I drove up here to visit one of Paul's best friends Jay Ward and the entire Ward family. Jay still has three teenage sisters that live at home with his parents, and it was at his parent's house that we stayed last night. Did all that make sense? (I tend to get a bit carried away sometimes...) Jay's mom, Blanche, is a bold slightly scary person who is also warm and kind-hearted. The three girls were so cute, and one of them is a great writer. Apparently the Wards were a crazy bunch back in the day when all nine kids lived under the same roof! It was fun to visit them.

Currently, Paul and I are at Jay's work, and I'm supposed to be working on my blogs for my job... but Paul and Jay being so silly together, and we're all talking and laughing so much that I have no desire to do actual work.

This area is so beautiful! There are so many trees that you always feel like you're in the mountains, even though there are no mountains around here. The huge conifers look soft and fluffy, and they're much taller than most of the conifers in Utah. It's a different world here! It's nice to be outside of Augusta for a couple of days.

My Dad.

2009-09-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

Today I called my dad at work. The phone number of the power plant is easy to remember, and it hasn't been changed in years. I called him at 11:30 my time, which happened to be right on his break at 9:30 in Utah. It was so wonderful to hear his voice and feel his love for me. He was surprised, but obviously pleased to hear from me, and it made me feel so good. My dad is not usually talkative, and he has a hard time saying things like, "I love you," out loud. I suppose it just doesn't come naturally to him. But I can tell he loves me by how happy he is to see me, how much he wants to hear about my life, and how much time he has always spent with me out in the wilderness. He's a rugged, adventurous soul, and he makes me laugh with stories about his adventures in the wild. Talking to him really lifted my spirits. I just wish we were closer together so that we could go for a hike!

Stumbling blindly in the rain, asking, knocking, and searching...

2009-09-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

It's so beautiful here! Hopefully soon I can get some pictures to post. There are a lot of huge trees around here, and in many places they grow all the way up over the road so that driving down the road is kind of like driving through a tunnel. It's like something from a fantasy book. We have had some rainy days lately, and the rain is insane! I walk out of a building and am drenched before I can get to my car. I've been experimenting with taking off my glasses and stashing them in my backpack before I go anywhere. But then I have to stumble about mostly blind and hope that I don't get lost! I can't see the expression on anyone's faces, so I just try to avoid looking at people. It's the kind of thing I would have done as a kid just for fun. "Hope I don't hit into anything... or fall down... or accidentally step on a cat..." The good thing is that our house is raised up off the ground, so we don't have to worry about flooding. I got so tired of that in our last house! The chiropractor helped Paul's back quite a bit, so thankfully we were both able to sleep last night.

Two nights ago, we were reading Doctrine and Covenants 88. I felt impressed by certain verses. 88: 63 and 67 say, "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you... And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things."

I felt a desire then to draw near unto the Lord, to put aside the things that distract me from the things of God. I wondered what it takes to have an eye single to his glory. How can I have an eye single to his glory if I'm looking off in another direction? I felt that I needed to find tangible ways to keep my eye focused on the truths of the gospel. And part of that is in the asking, knocking, and diligently seeking. I can never find God if I don't search for him.

I'm so sleepy!

2009-08-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

We had a long night last night because Paul's back has gotten worse and he was barely able to sleep at all. Thankfully, he's seeing a chiropractor today. Hopefully, that will help. Because of all the pain he's in, he has decided once and for all that losing weight is the only intelligent thing to do. He realizes that his weight adds significantly to his back pain, and he feels that it's time.

Hallelujah! Okay, so I don't know how to spell that, but I'm so glad. With Paul in on the weight loss, it will be easier for me. It's so much easier to make lifestyle changes if you don't have to make them alone. It's time for exercise, healthy eating, and... a little less chocolate. Do I have to get rid of chocolate entirely? I don't know if I can!

Despite my semi-zombie state from lack of sleep, I was finally able to re-register for my two classes. The school sure made it a pain, but the good thing is that I was able to get back in without paying the $50 fee, which is good because the mistake wasn't mine in the first place. I would love to write loads more about my fascinating life, but I have Anthropology homework to do for my next class. I take my leave.

So I'm OCD about these things.

2009-08-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

I wanted to make a quick correction. Writer's Market has an apostrophe in the title. Yesterday when I was writing the blog, I kept wondering if it had the apostrophe or not. It does, and I wanted to make sure to correct it. :)

My dreams and my cute sweet husband.

2009-08-29T11:25:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was an important day for me.... *Ahem.* I went to the local Books a Million and bought my very first copy of Writers Market, 2010 edition. It's so pretty! (It's green and brown, and very classy-looking.) For those of you who don't know, Writers Market is a huge fat book that lists book, newspaper, and magazine publishers and how they want work submitted to them. It gives all kinds of useful information from who specifically to contact to how much money you can expect to get paid. It's VERY helpful, and I'm so excited to have one.

I spent several hours last night reading about writing contests across the country. Some of the novel writing contests pay thousands of dollars in cash prizes for the winner, as well as publication of the novel. Wouldn't that be so exciting!? I've decided to research several of the contests and pick two of them to enter next year. It would be an amazing way to get the attention of the literary world and jumpstart my career. Okay, so I realize the odds of winning a contest like that are slim, but I've just got to try! There are also several contests for short stories, essays, and creative nonfiction that I might enter as well. These ones would be way smaller so less would be required of me than writing a novel. And I'm only entering contests with cash prizes, too, so there's always the possibility of getting paid for my work.

On a different note, Paul is doing very well in his new program. In the next few weeks, he will start doing research with his peers (collaborating on their person projects and on the projects of the professors) and then he will become way more busy.

He's been a little sad because of a recent conflict with another family member who demeaned him in just about every way possible. (This person criticized his spiritual wellbeing, his mental state, and his choice of career. It was so horrible!) I've been impressed with his ability to cope and to not hold onto bad feelings for this person. He says to me, "My heart hurts, but I'll be all right. It doesn't matter what she said." I love what a pure person he is!

And he's so cute too! His old back injury sometimes acts up and last night it was hurting him again. We went to Target and he was riding around on one of those little carts for people who can't walk (because it was much easier on his back). He's just so big that he looked hilarious zooming around so close to the ground. I laughed my head off at him!

Locked out... but still writing!

2009-08-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

So this morning we got up a little early so we could get to the school with enough time for Paul to read an article for his class and still make it on time. Ha ha.

He walked out the door ahead of me, and when I followed, I thought he had the keys and immediately shut the door. It turns out that he had locked the door handle, but left the keys in the house, so we were locked out of our house. Not only that, but our only car key was on the key ring in the house, too... It was so ridiculous! Paul started calling people from his class to see if he could get a ride, but no one called him back. He called the land lord to see if he would come to let us in, but he didn't answer either. So we ended up just sitting around outside the house for two hours before our land lord came to let us in, and by the time we got to the school, Paul had already missed his class.

It was such a stupid situation because we SHOULD have copied that car key as soon as we got it so that things like this wouldn't happen. I want to laugh at how stupid the situation was!

But on a different note, my grandpa's funeral was yesterday, and I have not heard how it went. I hope it wasn't too sad for my family. I've tried to make life easy on myself so that I don't get so upset again. It's good to have an awareness of the fragile state that I'm in that so that I can protect myself against an overload. I think of myself as having a huge injury that needs some time to heal before I can be fully functional again.

I'm actually excited, though, that I'm only in school part time this semester. I have big plans for my writing. It will be less stressful to do my blogs now, and I will also have time for my novel! I feel much more confident in my writing ability these days, now that I write thousands of words every day for my job. The words come easily and the insights are not hard to find. I was surprised to find recently that I'm actually much more talented at writing non-fiction than I am at fiction. When I write about real life, I can tell it how it is. I'm not afraid to talk about life exactly as I experience it, and my advice in the blogs is realistic and practical. I tell people to quit worrying about what everyone else thinks and make good health choices because they're good choices to make-- not because people expect them to look or be a certain way. I'm sure the people who hired me didn't intend for me to get political, either, but I find myself talking about the complex issues of health and the economy, and I just can't help myself. I've always wanted to use my writing to make a difference in the world, and I'll do that however I can!

A lesson in emotional endurance.

2009-08-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

Wow! Who knew that as soon as I decided to come here, my life would break apart so ridiculously!? I had a breakdown today, and I realized that I have been stretched beyond my emotional capacity to deal. It's no piece of cake to move across the country away from all of your friends. And to lose my grandfather, and now to have another family relationship shattered completely...! It has all taken it's toll, and this morning I just started to cry in my Spanish class. I was trying to get the financial aid error worked out so that I could stay in my classes, but I came to the realization that I would not be able to deal with being in five demanding classes on top of all my emotional drama. I left my class and went to hide in a bathroom stall so that no one would see me crying.

Paul's class got out early and he felt prompted to call me right at that moment. I'm so glad he was able to have the Spirit with him, because I needed him right at that moment. He agreed to meet me at the car and he took me home. I don't know if I've ever had a time in my life that I felt more broken apart than I did at that moment. It was total and complete overwhelm.

But Paul worked me through it and helped to concentrate on breathing, and eventually I was able to calm down. He held me and soothed me and spoke very calmly to me until I gradually started to feel better. He talked me through what had happened and helped me come to the decision to stay in school, but only in two classes so that I will not have too much to do and get overwhelmed again. I will never forget how he set aside all the things he needed to do to care for me in such a loving, compassionate way. He has definitely chosen the right path for his life, going into psychology. He understands people at such a deep level, and he is full of compassion.

I have never felt closer to the Lord than I do today. I understand a little bit deeper than ever before the pain that was suffered by Jesus Christ. All the deep, painful complexities that come from this convoluted mortal existence will eventually end. If I can learn to depend more fully on my Savior and make my life ever more in alignment with Him, I will have all the pain and stress and unhappiness taken away as if it never was. It's good for us to have great sorrow so that we can have great happiness and a deeper peace.

Oh, so now I'm only in my Communications class and my Anthropology class. I think I can handle those, and I feel such a sense of relief! Things are going to be just fine.

When does life stop throwing things at you?

2009-08-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

My life is spinning so far out of control right now that I feel sick to my stomach! Ugh. Well, my Grandpa has died, and everyone in the family is so sad about it. It has been hard blow for me to be so far away from everyone. I guess emotions are running a bit too high, and this has caused a conflict that has severed one of the most important relationships in my life. There are things that even I won't talk about on a public blog. Let's just say I have had my heart completely broken and I have had to say cruel things to try to come to a point of clarity. I don't like to be mean to other people and I hate hurting them. This fear that I have of hurting other people runs so deep that I cannot usually defend myself in any situation or say anything negative to other people. So I have the classic pressurization problem in which I don't let anything out until it gets to the point that I can't possibly hold it in anymore.

But there's more. I've just found out that I was dropped from all of my classes. Apparently there has been an issue with my transfer credits. I'm a sophomore according to my transfer credits (I have an associates degree), but the computer shows that I have no credits because my transcripts have not been processed. I thought I was getting student aid according to a sophomore status (which is more money), but when it actually came in, I had only recieved enough for a freshman's status. The difference is $1500, which of course I don't have in my pocket. It may be able to be straightened out, but there is a huge beaurocratic procress, and it might just not happen. So as of right now, I'm out of my classes and just waiting for the red tape people to get back to me. There's nothing I can do yet.

So it looks like I may be out of school this semester, after all. I didn't even do anything wrong. It's time to find a job here in Augusta.

So, I'm one of those Type 2's.

2009-08-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, I've just been reading about ketoacidosis for one of my blog posts. It's the condition that I had when I was finally diagnosed with diabetes last year. Reading about it was slightly traumatic for me, because it makes me realize that I could very easily have died. I had the symptoms for months before I finally went in to see a doctor.

So, I was very, very ill for a long time. I believed that I was a hypochondriac, that my symptoms weren't real, and that a doctor would just tell me to lose weight and send me on my way. After all, that was how doctors had treated me since I was a young teenager and first had symptoms of diabetes. Every single symptom was there, including nerve pain and numbness in my hands and wrists and highs and lows in blood sugar. I know now what was happening, but back then, I had no idea why I felt so sick sometimes after eating and why I couldn't fast for church without becoming sick.

From time to time, Mom would take me to doctors, but frankly, none of them cared at all to find out what was actually going on. They were all quick to judge me for my weight and dismiss me without so much as asking in-depth questions. The only helpful doctor I saw sent me to physical therapy for the pain in my wrists, and this helped me in one way. The therapist told me I had to get out on walks every day. This singular piece of advice saved me for years. I immediately incorporated daily walks into my life and have always done so since. As soon as I started walking every day, the nerve pain faded and I only occasionally have it these days. That's one symptom that's basically gone.

I hate that I have to think about my health every day. And I hate, too, all the articles I read about diabetes online that blame the patients for their disease. Supposedly, type 2 diabetes is a disease that people get because they allow themselves to get overweight in later life and they have a terrible diet. This is a disease for peope who have made bad choices and who have not taken care of themselves. Many health care professionals acts like the disease is something that people deserve.

But I was thirteen when I first had the symptoms. I wasn't overweight. I was very active, hiking with my family regularly, playing basketball and roller blading and biking. Sure, I ate whatever my mom made for me, but I don't think I was drinking the grease from the pan, or anything like that. I want to take responsibility for my health, but seriously. How could I have brought this on myself?

If you want to read about ketoacidosis, look it up Wikipedia. It's pretty scary.