Simply peace.

I have learned a lot about peace this last week. I was upset because of a relationship conflict and many serious and weighty concerns that overwhelmed me. I still can't see the posibility of any of the problems going away or getting better any time soon, but I have felt a deep and abiding peace come into my heart.

It's hard to explain. I had a conversation with my sister and another with a friend and they helped me to see that I'm not the only person who has been through hard things. They were right there exactly when I needed someone to talk to, almost like it was all part of some plan.

I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me and a Savior who can cleanse my soul when I have dirtied it with contention and malice. I feel now more than ever God's love for his children. It must hurt him when we're cruel to each other, but he can truly take away the pain from our souls so that it does not have to touch us anymore. We don't have to go around covered in searing wounds-- we can let them go and feel only peace.

Regret.

So the last blog I wrote has been taken off, if anyone read it. It was an upset blog because I had been hurt deeply-- and one friend who read it was hurt deeply back. I guess I knew that there was a possibility that that could happen, although that wasn't why I wrote it. I wrote it because my entire situation was crushing me and I had to express all my pent up emotion somehow. It was probably out of line and I regret it. Pain in the heart can be expressed as cruelty towards others, and this is never acceptable.

I'm sorry, my friend. You know who you are.

Blog written by my friend Melanie. :)

I am a sprite from the faraway land of Talula in the Galapan galaxy. I was playing a lovely tune on my harp with my underwater friends when suddenly I appeared in Jessi Robbins' living room. She was a little surprised to see me there at first. I think I may have caught her when she was very tired because she yawned (or was it her mouth opening in shock? hmm) and immediately dropped to the floor. Pretty soon though, she woke up again, and we began to share our life stories. She wanted me to write an entry in this . . . what do you call . . . a b-l-o-g? What a strange name. I would call it a lahoola. But that's in the language of sprites.
Well Jessi, what do you want me to tell them? I want to know how I shall get home. I have heard of teleportation but have no idea how it works. Perhaps I am developing a gift for it. I only need to control it. When I get it under control I'll let you know. Until then you are certainly welcome to visit me and I will grant you your heart's innermost desire with my sprite magic.

I need to work on my southern accent.

The fated letter finally came and we're officially not going to NAU in Flagstaff. We had a few seconds of depression, of course, but we're hopeful again. We have four schools so far that Paul has contacted that still have openings in their Master's programs. So we might go live Tennessee, Alabama, Kansas or Virginia. Crazy, huh?

It looks as though we're destined to live in the South! I hear good things about southern cooking, anyway, and we can make friends with the neighbors. :)

Wonderful sad movie.

Yesterday Paul and I watched the most emotional movie we've seen in a long time. It was called P.S. I Love You. I don't think it would have been as emotional for me had I not been married for a couple of years now, but it just really hit me and I bawled my head off!

The film opens with this fight between a married couple-- and I thought it was very realistic. I've had fights with Paul in which we absolutely broke each other's hearts. It's because it is so HARD to be married and keep it all together and nothing ever manages to happen as you plan. But every time we fight, we always make up and love each other more and sometimes fights are good because it gives you a chance to say all the things that simply need to be said. And that's how it happened in the movie too. After the husband had stormed out angry, he came back in and they ran to each other and kissed and said sorry. It gave me the feeling of a true and deep relationship with all its complexities.

But the next scene in the movie is the husband's Irish wake just a few months later because he has died of a brain tumor. The rest of the movie is the story of the wife and the process of healing that she has to go through without him. There's more to it that I'm not telling so that all of you who haven't seen it can have some delightful surprises.

We get to see some of the things that have happened in their relationship in the past and I just kept imagining what I would do if I lost Paul and consequently could not stop crying through the whole thing! Normally we watch movies on separate couches, but he had to come over to my couch to be with me because I was so upset.

It's good to be reminded of how much you love your spouse. Marriage is something that only survives if it is cherished and nourished. I just love Paul so much!

Old pants.

My mom and my sister have just stopped by Provo for a few hours and are on their way back home. Sara had an appointment and they ate dinner with us before leaving.

Mom brought this big bag of jeans for me to try on and some of them were mine from junior high! I'm not generally attached to clothing, but it was fun to put on my old pants, like talking to an old friend. I couldn't fit into them, but I'm not too far from being able to do so! I have an unusual body, not unlike my friends who have recently given birth. I have an overlarge belly and so all the pants were a perfect fit on my legs and butt- and wouldn't fit over the stupid belly!

I really can sympathize with mothers on many levels.

But, as I was saying, I've got some of my old junior high pants back! It's a good reminder that I am the same person that I have always been.

Anyone got a vision crystal?

It's not like I TRY to go long periods of time without blogging. I could use the excuse that I'm busy, which is true, but so is everyone else in the world. That excuse just usually doesn't work.

I sometimes wish that I had a little lens that I could look through to see what is to come. Paul and I feel so lost and directionless right now, not knowing if he will get into a graduate program and not certain what we will do if he doesn't. It's the point at which you sigh and keep trudging on...

On the one hand, there is a lot of possibility no matter what happens. With his Bachelor's, Paul should be able to get a real job and we can always stay where we are. We do like it here a lot, other than the basement living arrangements. There's always next year to reapply to more programs- and either this time around or next, he'll get in somewhere and things will be all right.

I just wish I KNEW! I hate this stumbling around in the dark. We literally have no idea what's going to happen and that makes it impossible to make plans. I should just be excited for the ride, but I don't always feel that adventurous.

The most important thing is having faith that somehow something good will happen for us and we will be okay. I want to pour that hope into my husband so that he can be at peace. But this is just life, isn't it?