Screaming to be heard.

Do you ever feel like you are the only person in the world?

I remember a dream I had once in which I was standing next to a massive divide in the earth. It was so huge that I could barely see the other side and looking down I could see no bottom to the chasm below me. The Grand Canyon would be quite small by comparison. I remember seeing that there were people on the other side, so so far away. I yelled as loudly as I could, trying to get their attention, to get them to see me. But my small voice was lost in the immensity of space and they took no notice of me at all. I was the only person on my side.

That's how I feel sometimes as I try to talk to my loved ones about my illness. Everyone has a lot of encouragement, saying that they know such-and-such a person who cracked down on their diabetes and conquered it through their eating and exercise, as if it is so simple. With a prelude like that, how can I talk about how complicated it actually is for me and how I am trying so hard and failing for no reason that I can figure out?

It's unfortunate that those grandparents and older aunts got diabetes, of course, but it seems unfair to me that most of them got to fly through youth with a healthy body weight and bear several children before the disease struck. I, on the other hand, have had symptoms since I was twelve, have been unable to maintain a body weight below 200 pounds no matter how hard I worked and deprived myself of every food I loved, and any pregnancies I have will be extremely risky and will most likely end in miscarriage if all the articles I've read online are true.

So it's wonderful that everyone knows someone who's conquered diabetes, but at least they got to live first. I feel like my entire future will just be a battle to maintain "healthy" blood sugar levels, which right now feels impossible. I try everything I'm supposed to and I'm not anywhere near being in control of this thing. I'm 22 and I get to look forward to losing my vision, having my feet amputated and having heart attacks. What a bright horizon!

Do you think there's a way to get my voice all the way across the chasm so that someone will hear me? It's gets lonely over here.