Pridefulness.

Last week Paul and I wandered into an indoor rock climbing place and spent several minutes watching the strong and fit climbers scaling the walls. It was really cool to see people so comfortable in their own skin and so confident in their own abilities. One girl repeatedly slipped and screamed as the rope caught her and she swung suspended high off the ground. She was not deterred, though, and just kept swinging back to try again and get a little higher each time. It was admirable to see.

I just kept thinking that I would love to be able to be like those people. What would it be like to be thin and strong and able to rock climb? I have not been thin since I was a young adolescent, and all things considered I am truly grateful for the health I have. Nevertheless, I wonder what it would be like to be in a different body and to experience all of the things a body has to offer?

I am not as unrealistic as people sometimes think I am when they listen to me talk about all my dreams and fantasies, but I wonder if it really is possible for me to be the visibly physically fit person that I would like to be. I say "visibly" because I actually am fit right now, right this very minute, even though I weigh 215 pounds. I work out hard and I have become a strong runner, but the pounds stay on stubbornly, only coming off at the rate of maybe one in a month, if I'm extremely lucky in that particular month.

But I think my problem really comes down to pride. I want to be like other people. I want to look good and be able to wear cute clothes that will fit my body well. I want people to look at me and automatically assume that I take care of myself because I LOOK healthy. I know it would be much better for me if I could let go of all of those concerns and let everyone else's supposed opinions fade out of my mind forever. This stupid pride hinders me from improving in the more essential ways.

I talk openly about my weight because I don't want to pretend that I am anything other than what I am. I try to do better all the time, but I will ever be just what I am... I'm stuck in this skin, I guess.