Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Screaming to be heard.

Do you ever feel like you are the only person in the world?

I remember a dream I had once in which I was standing next to a massive divide in the earth. It was so huge that I could barely see the other side and looking down I could see no bottom to the chasm below me. The Grand Canyon would be quite small by comparison. I remember seeing that there were people on the other side, so so far away. I yelled as loudly as I could, trying to get their attention, to get them to see me. But my small voice was lost in the immensity of space and they took no notice of me at all. I was the only person on my side.

That's how I feel sometimes as I try to talk to my loved ones about my illness. Everyone has a lot of encouragement, saying that they know such-and-such a person who cracked down on their diabetes and conquered it through their eating and exercise, as if it is so simple. With a prelude like that, how can I talk about how complicated it actually is for me and how I am trying so hard and failing for no reason that I can figure out?

It's unfortunate that those grandparents and older aunts got diabetes, of course, but it seems unfair to me that most of them got to fly through youth with a healthy body weight and bear several children before the disease struck. I, on the other hand, have had symptoms since I was twelve, have been unable to maintain a body weight below 200 pounds no matter how hard I worked and deprived myself of every food I loved, and any pregnancies I have will be extremely risky and will most likely end in miscarriage if all the articles I've read online are true.

So it's wonderful that everyone knows someone who's conquered diabetes, but at least they got to live first. I feel like my entire future will just be a battle to maintain "healthy" blood sugar levels, which right now feels impossible. I try everything I'm supposed to and I'm not anywhere near being in control of this thing. I'm 22 and I get to look forward to losing my vision, having my feet amputated and having heart attacks. What a bright horizon!

Do you think there's a way to get my voice all the way across the chasm so that someone will hear me? It's gets lonely over here.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Good news!

Let us rejoice! My cute husband has gotten a great job! It's pretty much doing the same sort of stuff that he has done before, working at a group home, and that's good because he finds that line of work fulfilling. He starts tomorrow, and that is exciting! Paul has been applying at millions of places (it has seemed like millions) and now it has finally happened.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


So I'm back at the library again as a page. Four days after my temporary job at the bookstore ended, my old boss called and asked me to come back to the library. So I jumped at the chance, and it's like a blast from the past. The only sad thing is that almost all of my old friends from before are now gone. I guess it isn't too great of a job, really, if you want to make real money, but it's the most that I could possibly handle right now. Life is all about money no matter how sick you feel.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The garden.

Paul and I have been growing our first garden, and it is so fun to see all the plants finally sprouting. They took three times longer than the seed packets said they would, so we were beginning to feel like failures. Outside, the turnips were the first up and we thought they were clover that suspiciously grew in a straight line. Within a week after, the beets, radishes, and peas showed their little faces. We have yet to see the parsnips and carrots, but we hope they decide to come around as well. Inside, in plastic cups, we were excited when the first of the broccoli seeds sprouted and it has been followed by several more. That first one is almost four inches long now and too skinny to hold itself up. Until today, the other indoor ones had remained hidden. This morning, I found that the yellow crooked neck squash and the tomato had both sprouted and this was very exciting. Now we're only waiting on the zucchini and the peppers. It will be really cool when we get to harvest all this stuff and feast on its bounties. Gardening more enjoyable than I thought it would be!