Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm still in Junior high.

Sometimes I think I have never gotten out of junior high school. It's ridiculous, but I never seem to be able to feel confident. It's like I expect everyone I meet to not like me. I hate that! How do I make that go away?

I call it my "curse." I've been getting this since I was about fifteen years old. I meet someone, they look at me and immediately dismiss me as if I don't matter at all. I have seen a lot of popular well-liked people in school or church talk to others very charismatically and then treat me like I don't exist at all. It can be maddening, especially if the person was someone I initially admired. And the thing is, I understand the phenomenon intellectually. It makes sense.

I'm overweight with kind of a strange body type, and because of this, I can't find clothes that will fit me that are attractive. Everything I own hangs or catches in some way so that nothing ever quite looks good, and nothing in my wardrobe reflects my personality at all. I consider having clothes that match who you are to be a luxury of the thin. And on top of this, I hate makeup and can't force myself to put it on. So my self-presentation is not great; I think it turns people off to me at a first glance.

And since people have always treated me like a piece of furniture, I find it hard to assert myself, to say, "Hello. I'm a person too, and I matter, even if you find me unattractive." I withdraw deep inside and don't even try.

It's stupid. This whole rant is because a girl at church on Sunday gave me the quick dismiss, and I've been trying to convince myself ever since that it didn't make me feel bad at all. Paul met this girl and her husband before I came up, and he really liked them. But as soon as I appeared, the girl looked at me, dismissed me, and turned away. I should have picked up my scriptures and smacked her! Right in the face. Everyone would know who I was in the ward after that!

So I've never really gotten past junior high yet. Isn't there supposed to be some point at which, you know, you grow up and stop feeling vulnerable and self-conscious? Isn't there a time at which you don't need your peers to like you?

I want some chocolate.