Tuesday, June 3, 2008

So, what is life about?

So, it has been a while since I got on, but now I'm back. I can sometimes lean toward the dramatic, I know. My imagination takes me to ridiculous places sometimes. It's funny because I am generally happy, believe it or not. I have a lot of really good things in my life and especially a beloved husband.

On the day that I last blogged, I had been reading all of these articles about young women with type 2 and all of the problems they had with pregnancy and childbirth. All of it was ruthlessly hopeless and depressing, written very clinically with percentages and statistics and- worst of all- implications. When you're reading about horrible birth defects and miscarriages, it drains all of the hope right out of you. Why even try?

I've thought a lot about the possibility of never having a baby and the thought is a difficult one. I used to be so convinced (before I met Paul) that I would never get married. I went for years without a date and never had anyone show interest in me. And I mean no one. It still amazes me every day that someone actually thinks I'm cute, that it's even possible! But before Paul, I had accepted the possibility of not getting married. I wrote in my journal that although I was certain I would be just fine being single all my life, I would be terribly sad to never have children. It was children I couldn't live without.

And here are all these articles telling me it might never happen.

Of course, I was wrong about a husband. I did get married and now I think how sad and empty and lonely my life would have always been without Paul. I am so much better with him than I could ever be by myself.

So, what is life about? Is it about deciding the things you want and doing all you can to get them? Is it really about having the things you want? If you never get what you want, then is life somehow wasted? Will I somehow learn to only want the things that I have? Is that what happiness is or is it having what you want?

Alas, I ask questions without simply answers!

Nothing is really simple, though. Despite all of my gloom and doom, I am actually doing very well with my diabetes. I think my stomach must have shrunk because I no longer even want more food than my strict portion sizes. I take long walks each night and this has started paying off! Since the beginning of May, I have lost 8 pounds, which is a good healthy amount of weight. If I could keep dropping pounds at a steady rate, I could be to my target weight (which is pretty important if I want to keep my appendages and all that) by roughly March. No one would recognize me, though, since I haven't been that weight since I was thirteen. . . It's a little hard to imagine, isn't it?

Who knows what the future will bring? But that matters less than what I decide to do with that future. It may not be the way I would have planned, but it can still be good. I just have to make it that way.