Tuesday, July 8, 2008

An empty kitchen. Filled!

Well, the long long silence from my blog is about to be broken! I really wasn't trying to lose all of my readership. I have had other things on my mind and that is the best excuse I can give. But I promise to re-establish my blogging habit from this point on.

I've changed.

This might all sound weird and without a lot of background about all that has been happening, I hope it somehow still makes sense. Paul and I have had the several times in the past months when our kitchen was almost empty and when I reflected on this yesterday, I had a sort of comprehension come to me about life.

I realized that I had become an empty kitchen. Since February, I have gradually lost almost all of my dreams. Almost all the ideas that I had for the way I wanted my life to be were methodically stripped away from me. (Of course, thank the Lord for Paul. He's the only dream I've managed to hold onto!) But suddenly I could see that my plans for myself were simply not going to happen and not the way that I wanted.

This was hard.

I had become just like my kitchen. But when I was empty inside, something strange began to happen. I had a beautiful dream that showed me something wonderful in my future. It was not the future I had been planning, but it was wonderful. Clearly my plans had been wrong. I was also called as a relief society teacher, which was intimidating because I had never taught a lesson in my life. But as soon as I began preparing my first lesson, I could feel the power of God in my life. I felt that my emptiness was being replaced by something better than what had been there before. Suddenly I knew that I have great capacity to be a teacher and that I have not realized it until now.


People have been saying it to me for years when they heard that I was an English major, but I never once really considered going into teaching. Who wants to put up with snotty kids? But I knew without a doubt all at once that this was what I was meant to do. I was meant to be a teacher.

Talk about a change in plans! I have always focused on Paul's education and his career and suddenly I'm gearing up for my own. I'm nervous, but very excited about my new course. I'm going to be a professor in English!

So my understanding yesterday was this: I was an empty kitchen. I had given up all of my ideas of what my life was supposed to be like until I was completely empty inside. Then the Lord said, "Good! Finally I can fill you with what I want you to have."

Matthew 16: 25 says, "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." I've always thought losing your life for Christ meant being martyered, but now I see that what it really means is emptying your entire kitchen and allowing Christ to refill it. Then you will find a life full of so much more meaning and purpose as you become an instrument in his hands!