Wonderful sad movie.

Yesterday Paul and I watched the most emotional movie we've seen in a long time. It was called P.S. I Love You. I don't think it would have been as emotional for me had I not been married for a couple of years now, but it just really hit me and I bawled my head off!

The film opens with this fight between a married couple-- and I thought it was very realistic. I've had fights with Paul in which we absolutely broke each other's hearts. It's because it is so HARD to be married and keep it all together and nothing ever manages to happen as you plan. But every time we fight, we always make up and love each other more and sometimes fights are good because it gives you a chance to say all the things that simply need to be said. And that's how it happened in the movie too. After the husband had stormed out angry, he came back in and they ran to each other and kissed and said sorry. It gave me the feeling of a true and deep relationship with all its complexities.

But the next scene in the movie is the husband's Irish wake just a few months later because he has died of a brain tumor. The rest of the movie is the story of the wife and the process of healing that she has to go through without him. There's more to it that I'm not telling so that all of you who haven't seen it can have some delightful surprises.

We get to see some of the things that have happened in their relationship in the past and I just kept imagining what I would do if I lost Paul and consequently could not stop crying through the whole thing! Normally we watch movies on separate couches, but he had to come over to my couch to be with me because I was so upset.

It's good to be reminded of how much you love your spouse. Marriage is something that only survives if it is cherished and nourished. I just love Paul so much!

Old pants.

My mom and my sister have just stopped by Provo for a few hours and are on their way back home. Sara had an appointment and they ate dinner with us before leaving.

Mom brought this big bag of jeans for me to try on and some of them were mine from junior high! I'm not generally attached to clothing, but it was fun to put on my old pants, like talking to an old friend. I couldn't fit into them, but I'm not too far from being able to do so! I have an unusual body, not unlike my friends who have recently given birth. I have an overlarge belly and so all the pants were a perfect fit on my legs and butt- and wouldn't fit over the stupid belly!

I really can sympathize with mothers on many levels.

But, as I was saying, I've got some of my old junior high pants back! It's a good reminder that I am the same person that I have always been.

Anyone got a vision crystal?

It's not like I TRY to go long periods of time without blogging. I could use the excuse that I'm busy, which is true, but so is everyone else in the world. That excuse just usually doesn't work.

I sometimes wish that I had a little lens that I could look through to see what is to come. Paul and I feel so lost and directionless right now, not knowing if he will get into a graduate program and not certain what we will do if he doesn't. It's the point at which you sigh and keep trudging on...

On the one hand, there is a lot of possibility no matter what happens. With his Bachelor's, Paul should be able to get a real job and we can always stay where we are. We do like it here a lot, other than the basement living arrangements. There's always next year to reapply to more programs- and either this time around or next, he'll get in somewhere and things will be all right.

I just wish I KNEW! I hate this stumbling around in the dark. We literally have no idea what's going to happen and that makes it impossible to make plans. I should just be excited for the ride, but I don't always feel that adventurous.

The most important thing is having faith that somehow something good will happen for us and we will be okay. I want to pour that hope into my husband so that he can be at peace. But this is just life, isn't it?