Happy, happy birthday, Jessi dear!

It's December 11th and everyone knows that is an important day. It is the day someone cool and interesting and gorgeous was born. Yes, it is my birthday.

Just kidding. I'm actually fatter than I was a year ago, and that's about all I have to say about the matter.

Paul was so cute today. He hid a bunch of candles randomly around the house and made me find them before I could have my presents. He was so cute and excited about giving them to me as if my reactions meant everything in the world to him. One of the presents was a box of delicious hazelnut chocolates, my favorite.

I feel so happy being alive today.

One year older and... SNUGGLIER TOO....

I just love getting presents. Cheesecake.... chocolates.... new furniture.... whatever it is, I love it.

Do people really have to wear clothes?

I'm being a bad person and blogging in my creative writing class. I just wanted to put in a quick line. Can I just say that I'm not a costume designer? I don't know what kind of clothes to give my characters! I had this brilliant idea of giving every single person in this society different clothing, depending on personality. Well, that's all well and good, but I just can't come up with that many outfits! Oh, please save me.

No, I like the idea. When my diety created the world, he gave unique clothes to everyone, so they carry on the tradition with their children. It's unique and cool, but I just don't... Hm. If anyone actually reads my blog (which is doubtful) I'm up for costume ideas. I would welcome them with open arms!

I think for next blog, I'll find something random or nonsensical. It will be fun.

A happy life.

We're doing ok now. In our great need, the Lord really stepped up to help us. It has been incredible to see how much he will do for us when we need his help. Money has come to us in ways we didn't expect and a friend gave us food when we were almost out. For a while, I didn't know how we would survive being out of work with no food, but things have really come together. I am filled with a sense of wonder and awe and such joy! The Lord really does watch over his children!

I've written chapter two on my Alvar book, and it was SO MUCH fun. I calculated that if I write one chapter a day until the end of the year, excluding Sundays and Christmas, I can finish the first draft by the end of the year. In January, I will edit and polish up, and then I will begin sending to publishers in February. I feel like I am positively on fire with this novel, and I'm confident that I can succeed with it!

Hmmmmm.

Well, things have turned. . . interesting. . . for us. It looks like our loan has been declined at the last minute and now we have no money and almost no food because we had to get our car fixed. Hm. Sadly, we will be stayingto in Provo for a very meager Thanksgiving with just the two of us. It is a rather bad turn of events, I must admit. But what can one do but laugh at misfortunes and find a way press on anyway? I'm trying to devise a means of bulking up my veins so that I can go give plasma for $30 a donation. If I could do that, we could pay our phone bill and auto insurance, even if we don't have any food...

But the good news is we'll get student loans in January and have enough money. Until then, it will be fun...

"A Fflam is never discouraged!" our friend Fflewddur says. And neither is a Robbins!

Wonderful things.

I have been feeling hope come into my life in huge bursts. After being sick all semester, I think my positive feelings were slowly drained away, and now my health is returning. I feel good again, happy, and productive. And I'm so excited that tomorrow is my last day of work! I have already gotten some good feedback on my first chapter in my Alvar book from some writing buddies, one of which writes like a professional. She is so good in her own work that I highy, respect her opinion on other people's writing.

On Sunday, Paul and I are driving out to Vernal because my childhood next-d00r-neighbor Cassie is back from her mission and we're going to her homecoming. It's strange, but I had a dream about seeing her again, and it brought a lot of warmth into my heart. We were friends most of the time we were growing up, although we were closer some times than others. I find that I am actually missing some of my old friends from high school that I haven't kept in contact with. In Alma 17, when Alma ran into Ammon and his brother, he rejoiced that "they were still his brethren in the Lord." That is what I hope to find when I do make contact with these old friends again.

I just feel so grateful for all the wonderful things in my life! The Lord has really "opened the window of heaven" and poured out of blessing that there has not been room enough to receive. I think sometimes the Lord blesses us by letting us struggle so that we can gain strength and understanding. And then, the struggles will end and we can look back and see how we have grown from our hardships and find joy in them.

Crazy choices.

So, I've finally decided to do it. I am quitting my job and turning my more serious attention to my school and my writing career. There is simply no way for me to write a book and prepare it for publication if I'm working and going to school AND keeping Paul happy. It's crazy, but it's time for me to give myself a chance.





When I was a freshman in college, for some reason, I went through what a friend of mine called an "artistic depression." I was working on three different books at the time (only one of which I finished, by the way) and I suddenly hated everything I was writing. It was all so flawed and horrible and I decided that I couldn't be a writer afterall. So I spent about a week in misery, going through every possible occupation in my mind, trying to find something else to do with my life. I don't know why I tend to lean toward the dramatic, but it was a really awful time for me. I evaluated every option, and each one seemed worse than the next.





I came to the conclusion at the end of that week that there was really nothing else I wanted to do with my life. I didn't want to be a secretary or a dental hygienist (if that's even how you spell it...) or a nurse or a truck driver. I knew that I would loathe any kind of job that wasn't writing. And so, I kept at it and wrote steadily until I got married a year ago. And then...





But I'm back now! I started my new book with a very fun first chapter. Characters I hadn't even planned popped out of the woodwork and gave themselves fun dialogue and interesting personalities. I laughed and had fun and forgot to be self-conscious about being out of practice.





I am SO EXCITED to be working on a project and I look forward to actually having time to do my homework. My main character is named Alvar, and I will probably refer to this as "my Alvar book" although its real title will be The Stone of Alvar.

I put a random picture of Paul and me because I thought it looked like we were about to jump into the lake. You could say this decision is kind of like a jumping off point. Boy, I gotta get thin like I was in that picture again!

Farewell until next time.

A picture of me.

This is me not long before I got married. I was a little thinner then. (Why does everyone gain weight when they get married?) I really just wanted to put a picture of me on my blogspot. So here I am.

I was with my family in Bryce Canyon and my mom made me pose for a picture. She's a really good photographer. My favorite thing about the trip was that I was in excellent shape. I zoomed ahead of my dad and brother and kept waiting for them for ten or fifteen minutes at the top of each hill. It felt wonderful to hike and I really loved being in my own skin. Alas, I long to feel that way again!

Rekindling dreams.

So, here I am contemplating my life up to this point. I used to have a lot of dreams that I fervently believed I could accomplish. I was going to study abroad in Europe, be an artist, novelist, and singer. Now what am I doing? I put books away at the library and struggle to go to just three classes at school. I rarey even think about my dreams anymore.

But that is about to change. It's time for me to get myself together and start over again on building my dreams. Somewhere inside me are the embers of my dreams. Once burning brightly like an inner beacon fire, they have cooled to a soft orange. All I need to do is blow on them to raise new blazing flames. I can live all the dreams in my longing soul. I can.

But how does one go about such things? How do you wake yourself out living sleep?

I will start by stirring my old sense of adventure. Tomorrow I will do something adventurous. If it wasn't the middle of the night, I would have an adventure right now! When I do have my advnture, I'll blog all about it.

Introspection.

What does it mean to be a good person?

I used to think I was a good person because I spent a great deal of time in study. I read and pondered the holy scriptures for at least an hour a day, sometimes more, usually late into the night after all my family or roommates had gone to bed. It was easy for me, then, to navigate through any passage of scripture and leap through dozens of references from memory. I felt secure in my knowledge and I didn't doubt that I was a good person.

But now, being married, going to school, and working all at once have put serious restrictions on my time. It is no longer realistic, or even possible, for me to study as often as I used to. I can only snatch a few minutes in the scriptures every day. That is really the best that I can do in my current situation and I'm certain that time constraints will only increase in the future.

And so I have been riddled with guilt since I married, wondering constantly if I am actually a good person. I wonder this as I struggle to do things married women are supposed to do. I'm not good at keeping a house or cooking. I don't have very much time to myself, and I prefer to spend my personal time reading or talking with a friend rather than scrubbling the counters and sweeping the floor. My husband naturally tires of my incompetencies and sometimes criticizes me. I feel like a bad person.

So I have had cause to stop and question what it really means to be a good person. Am I no longer a good person because I can't keep up my study regimen? Or did that not make me a good person in the first place?

I'm just wondering.

First Blog

Hi. I'm blogging.